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Anon has marital problems
(sh.itjust.works)
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this post was submitted on 20 Dec 2024
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Emotional abuse detected.
I mentioned it in another comment, but I'll repeat it here: This doesn't necessarily have to be emotional abuse. It can well be a result of the wife being in a bad place, having little self-worth, and convincing herself that anon would be better off without her. Perhaps anon's response caused her to re-think and reconsider, hence the subsequent breakdown.
Abuse is behavior, not intention. The majority of abuse is not intended to be torture, but is still abuse.
This might be a language think, but as I understand "abuse" implies some degree of intent, repetitiveness, or suppression of the victims response, no?
If someone is punched, you would typically call that assault, while if they are punched on several occasions while being prevented from seeking help, you would call it abuse.
Likewise, if someone is yelled at or scolded or manipulated on one occasion, you usually would say that they were "yelled at, scolded, or manipulated", while if it occurs systematically over time you would refer to it as abuse.
Please correct me if I'm wrong here
I would leave Lemmy if it weren't for sane, rational people like you who have empathy and don't just jump to the most damning conclusions without any insight into the situation.
It is emotional abuse. Just like it's still assault if a veteran with night terrors gets a adrenaline rush while waking up at night and beating the wife sleeping next to him in his confusion. It is not intended, but the damage is done. And it's done by the veteran; or the wife in the OP.
The emotional abuse may be coming from a deep emotional wound, but it's on her to fix it. She gets to keep her shards, or attempt to fix herself. By choosing to not work on herself she effectively chooses to burden the people around her. And they have no obligation to keep her around.
We all burden each other with stuff constantly. It's on her to fix it but fixing yourself is impossible tlsince their is no template for what fixed looks like.
It's also on the husband as much as it is the rest of us to see what level of burden we are willing to take on for those we care about. That's humanity.
You might want to think about how you view others. If everyone around you takes their relationship with you hostage, or worse their life, then the people around you are constantly taking advantage of you. On the other hand if you think of others as burdens constantly you need to change the people around you. Go to a different setting, a club or something were different people hang around.
Oh cool, I finally have the argument I can use when screaming at my wife.
Sorry for that, but your sentence is just nonsense. Worse even, it's an excuse. I get the feeling behind it, but she is the one who needs to seek help. Nothing will stick if she doesn't want it.
No longer a husband. She filed for divorce, remember? Also: even if he still was, he cannot take responsibility for her mental health. He can help, but never do it himself. That's 100% on her. She can accept help, but it's a thing she has to do herself. Everything else would be manipulation on her.
Now you spin this as a failure to provide assistance, but that's not what's happening in the story. She doesn't ask for help, she severes the bond.
No, I don't think of it as a failure to provide assistance I think we choose the burdens we are ok with and you don't have to aim to fix everything. We can't fix dyslexia or genetic disorders, and we don't just demand they figure it out to change nothing.
And it's not so easy to just pick to be better and yes she has to do things herself. We all do. It it's not over or even done when they decide to get better. And it is still on the rest of us to accept the burden of their issues to make life safe for them as well.
I point out that you give love first. You accept that people are broken and you love them anyways. I don't want vapid relationships that only go surface level so that they can never burden me.
Ok wow. That's a takeaway to being told that their is no such thing as perfect or fixed. That's in you for wanting it as an excuse to be worse.
Good on you for abandoning the unwilling. It sounds horrible, but it's a matter of cutting costs before you yourself become an emotional burden on others. That's what I wanted to show.
I have no idea how that matters in the context of a wife filing for divorce and breaking down crying when it's accepted. Sounds like the husband did everything perfectly in your opinion.
It's 100% on her. No wiggle room, no "things" or parts of it. She is the only one with access to her head, meaning people around can help, but never steer. And if she won't then she will have to find someone willing to put up with her problems. And even that relationship gets thrown out the window the moment she asks for a divorce.
Yes, it's an incredible amount of work that not a lot of people even begin to tackle. There are even "therapists" that tell people that everything will be fine, that all other people are the problem. This is a problem in itself, which is why it's 100% on the wife to get better. Bad help is not an excuse to be a dick.
Then do you it. Why would you make that decision for the husband? Or the wife?
And then they tell you they don't want you in their life anymore. Like the wife did in this story. Would you be the creep that sits by the street lantern watching her every move? Or would you honor her wishes?
Seems like a good call. I'm trying to do the same. This still doesn't make me responsible for someone's mental health. It does make me inclined to help when I can, but only to the point where they tell me to get the fuck out of their life.
This is nonsense. Self-improvement is possible based on your own or societal standards.
Society does not have the end-all of best of humanity in mind. Often it just means productive at work and cares little for your well being.
You can self improve but that's not fixing anything. That's just getting better at not being a burden to others. But the burden is the point. We are all in it together and are a burden on each other. But we do it anyways.
Don't tell people that they can be "fixed" that is nonsense and just makes them feel more of a burden without the kindness.
The burden is not the point. You should be improving people's lives, not making them worse. Unless by "burden" you mean like the mundane parts of dealing with living with other people, which is not what I'm talking about.
I do mean the little things. But it also is the big ones. A loved one can need you to help them do paperwork, or they could be dying of an incurable disease and raging against the end.
I'm saying expecting everyone to work to make your life easier to be around them ignores that everyone has their own issues to deal with and we are constantly impacting each other.
It's good to work on yourself and we all should but expecting it as the only way to be around people is not reasonable for how humanity is. We are flawed emotional creatures.
We burden those we love in lots of ways waiting on them to be fixed to show love doesn't make it seem like you loved them at all. You love people knowing they can change not waiting until they do.
Ok, but I didn't say it was the only way to be around people. You said that it was impossible.
I think what you're meaning to say is right, but what you're actually saying isn't consistent so it can't be as right as you're trying to express.
You can't be someone else. It's impossible to look at someone else as the perfect human and tell everyone else to be like them.
That's the impossible.
Life is complex. Speaking about it does not make it less so. It's hard (if not impossible) to get the words that mean what I think in my head to mean the same to others.
My point is as consistent as it can be. Give love, don't wait for people to be better to do so. Look out for yourself sure, but don't avoid burdens for ease of a gentler life.
I disagree, I don't think these two are comparable.
Physical violence cannot be undone. Saying that you want to leave someone, and then breaking down upon noticing your mistake is something that can be talked through. If someone beats you, and says it was an accident, you'll still be bruised and feel unsafe around them, even if you understand them and have empathy for them. On the other hand, if you understand and have empathy for a partner that said they would leave you because they honestly though you would be happier without them, you can help them get better and move on.
Neither can emotional manipulation. You cannot see the scars, but they will bear a violent fruit.
Don't be a doormat for emotionally unstable people. There can be a conversation, a couple counseling or something, when people talk to each other. Putting signed divorce papers in the other persons hand is a gesture, not a conversation. There is nothing left to be said.
Yes, trust can easily be broken by physical violence. It can also be broken by the spoken or written word.
Oh, it sounded like the husband would be responsible for her mental health, but this is about helping? Then yes, you can help someone get better. If she works on herself to get better you can help her.
Just like you can help a veteran with PTSD. If they work on themselves so they can get better.