this post was submitted on 25 Mar 2025
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No Stupid Questions
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Just general melancholy.
I have had severe trust issues my entire life which has led me to being very alone. I have gone to many many many therapists and not a single one has ever been able to tell me something I don't already know.
I know why I got this way. I know how it manifests. I understand where it infects my relationships and how it effects others.
No matter what I do I cannot fully let anyone in. Obviously I trust people to varying degrees in my life, but even those closest to me (Mother/Father) I do not trust implicitly.
People say things like "you just have to trust people again" which feels akin to telling depressed people to "just be happy" again.
Every time someone gets close to me I lock down and keep them at arms length. I was explaining it to one of my exes recently. She is probably someone I trust the most and I told her it's like doing a bellyflop. I am all aboard the trust train and then right before impact I flinch involuntarily. I can't stop myself. No matter how hard I try I just cannot relinquish control and I end up stopping people short.
Another analogy I have used is that there is a wall. Everyone I have ever met or known is outside the wall. Including me. I don't even trust myself entirely. Some people are allowed closer to the wall. Very few people can even lean up against that wall but nobody has been allowed over that wall as long as I can remember.
Anyways I once again hurt someone recently because of my inability to trust and I felt really bad about it. I have a lot of self hatred and anger directed at myself because of it.
What's confusing to me is that I am actually an unbelievably open book with anyone. Anyone can ask me any question about anything in my life and I will answer it honestly if they want me to. I can't get this book any more open... And yet I can't trust anyone fully.
So I'm 32 now and I haven't had a serious relationship since before covid. I have had a few dates and FWB situations since then, but they always get emotionally attached and I end up having to end things because I know that path leads nowhere and I don't want them wasting their time and energy on a guy that's never going to let them in.
I'm feeling a little better about everything today than yesterday but still pretty shitty today. Just trying not to eat away my sadness like I want to.
Well that sounds hard as hell. Sorry, MoreFPSmorebetter. Really sorry. And umm.. can relate. A whole lot, actually. Like, your issues sound so much like my own it's nuts. I feel deeply represented by your struggles.
I also try to keep maximum honesty and try to let people in, but it feels like part of me just won't open up to trust, no matter how hard I try and truly want to be seen by someone. Anyone, sometimes. It's like There's always an emotional tightness inside me somewhere that is clenching on something intimate, for some reason, and will not let go for anything. Like part of my heart is for no one. Not even myself. It is only to be hidden and locked in at all cost.
Your post actually gave a lot of insight into my own condition, so I appreciate you sharing and I think I'll benefit from your story. I wish I could offer something in return, but beyond hearing, relating and knowing what it's like I have no tools or solutions that help with the core issue. If I did, I probably would be out enjoying my life instead of trying to feel better about myself and exorcise my deeply rooted shame by trying to help strangers have it better here... So I guess, in some weird way, something good is coming out of all my bs, for someone at least.
Despite your issues being unresolved and causing you pain, I don't think your progress is meaningless. It gave me insight, anyway. If anything but that, it's something I'm grateful to you for. Thanks for helping me introspect.
I guess what I really feel is that the future is uncertain for those like us, but I know I become a better person when I have hope for myself. I treat myself and others more kindly and carefully and with more consideration... Even if they never get across the wall, I make my best efforts to throw them things that might be useful to them from behind it. I really do.
I eat my sadness away too and have been doing so the last few weeks, and i'll tell you something... It hasn't helped. The void's still there. The situation doesn't change. I just feel more guilty and more ashamed, only with a full stomach.
I think I'm gonna go get something healthier to eat now. It's way past lunch time and I've been starving myself. Thanks for the reminders, please treat yourself with more kindness and umm... idk... good luck. I sometimes have faith in myself, so I can definitely have faith in you.
Some day we'll tear down the wall. Some day.
Thanks for sharing. <3
Let's just promise that if either one of us figures out a solution to our trust issues we let the other one know the secret.
In a weird way I'm glad to hear there are other people with the same predicament I have. Until you nobody has ever really seemed to understand what I'm talking about. So while it still sucks at least I know I'm not the only person who has been unable to cross that line.
Thanks for letting me have the mini trauma dump. I hope you have a good day.
You have my word.
Thanks for the insight and I hope you have a great day too!