today I woke up crying because I was broke i hustle hard in multiple ways trying to make side income, work a job paying 12/h, do food deliveries on a bicycle and even with relative success I'm still broke and struggling to scale. i feel i am weak for crying. because i take insane risks sometimes without getting rewarded. it makes me feel retarded and like i get everything wrong. like i was blessed with a lot of opportunities but is too dumb to take advantage of them and really make the money. i feel like a complete failure and loser, struggling to balance chasing the money/survival with my academics.
a lot of the time I just can't find the motivation in myself to do certain things and end up cheating my way in with drugs, this makes me feel even more like a failure. i am diagnosed with ADHD along with anxiety and depression but stimulants are so expensive that I just use caffeine pills. i have been relying on caffeine to stop being a bitch for a long time infact since I was a kid. I would not have graduated high school if it was not for caffeine. how can I become stronger in the face of pressure/failure/wasted risks? instead of crying like a bitch in the morning. How can I be a more resilient person and a more motivated and driven person? and how can I become more intelligent to be able to balance academics with survival better? how can I stop relying on drugs to have this drive/energy in my brain, instead of that "oh no I can't be arsed" pain felt from brain to eyes?
While this is all good stuff, point 9 stands out while reading the op. OP, even if you can't bring yourself to stop with the self-hatred (I get it; I am literally the only person in the world who I genuinely, deeply loathe on a personal level, and even in my 40s and with some objectively fairly impressive achievements under my belt, I can't let that go) at least stop calling yourself a "bitch" and other things like that. Not an easy habit to break if it's part of your internal monologue, but I bet it's easier than changing the way you feel about yourself - and at least you won't be telling yourself you're right to feel that way. Which you almost certainly are not, any more than I am. (Which I'm not, even if I can't seem to shake it off!)