askchapo

Early in transition I found myself practically paralyzed with fear. Cops had ran me out of my hometown harassing and repeatedly arresting my first boyfriend for being gay and to make matters worse I got news that one of Trump's 3 letter agencies had noticed me for something nonpolitical (first term). My brain was breaking I was so overloaded with fears of the unknown, being taken away or locked up.

So I concocted dangerous or life threatening ways to peer over the edge just to show myself that, "see, it's not so bad? You do all this crazy shit and nothing happens! You're fine! Better than fine!"

I've carried so much drugs to confront riot cops and got caught in a kettle with a shirt that said "410 billion dead cops" on it. I've gone running on jetties and onto rocks in December on the Maine coast and almost been swallowed by the icy sea. Open carrying multiple drugs into a federal law enforcement building through multiple layers of security. My car goes 0-60 in just over 3 seconds, I've done so much life threatening stupid shit just to practice white knuckling it. Given the middle finger to someone pointing a gun in my face harassing me for being trans at an Atlanta gas station in the middle of the night. I used to take acid and then leave myself trapped in public places unable to leave until I sobered up, forced to confront the general public for four to eight hours. There's more dumb shit where that came from but those are the highlights.

Reckless, regardless, I'd just throw myself into or create unsafe situations that would force me to sink or swim. I would try to provoke a panicked adrenaline rush until it stopped being easy to make myself feel that way. I used to be scared to be outside in my own front yard and a decade later I feel bulletproof.