A little over a month ago my two best friends tried to kill themselves on the same night. Throughout the month one of those friends has done that several times. Thankfully they're both still alive today.
Ever since that happened I haven't felt like myself at all, I just, feel like I'm carrying too much and like I'm all alone. People know being suicidal is hard and loosing someone to suicide is hard but having someone you really care about try to kill themselves (and describe how they did it) can also be hard on anyone. I can't make a description of the event on this post but I can say that they didn't pull back, they didn't stop and turn back, they tried to go through and were stopped by an external source. For me that's the part that hurts the most. Knowing they wanted to go through with it.
Ever since it happened Ive been having intrusive thoughts/images about it and just feeling constantly stressed/irritable and having nightmares every now and them. Nightmares in either which I watch them hurt themselves or they die by some form and its my fault. I also had per-existing abandonment issues so before this happened I'd constantly wonder how I would feel if my friends died but the one thing that kept me grounded was knowing that that can't happen in any realistic scenario and now its happening.
Going through life I feel so different, like none of the people I see from day to day have gone through something like this so that makes me different, and if I told them what's going on in my head they'd see me as pathetic because I shouldn't feel this way since they're still alive.
I feel so isolated. Like I want someone, not anyone, but a close friend, who I can talk to about this, but then I remember I have three friends in this world, and two of them want to die. The third one I can talk to but wasn't affected the same way and doesn't really relate.
I don't really know what I'm asking through this post, I guess I just wanted to let it out. I guess I also want to know I'm not alone. Anyone else going through this?
are they willing to talk about it / can you talk to them about what you've been going through?
it might feel like something you're burdening/guilting them with, or "making it about you" or something, but speaking as someone who's lost others to suicide & made some attempts myself, it's all too easy when in that SI headspace to forget or dismiss the knock-on effects that happen to everyone else after someone kills themselves.
it might be useful for them to know that they would be missed, that people care deeply about them, that the world's not better off without them, and to hear about the ways that that near miss is affecting you.
idk, i think we tend to be very afraid to talk about mental health & we want to leave it up to the mental health professionals etc, but healing happens in community first & foremost, imo
Last time i tried to talk to them about how id been feeling they completely started blaming themselves for it. I didnt tell them much, just that having to constantly hear about their self harm habits is overwhelming and I often don't know how to respond to things. I do tell them I would miss them and that I enjoy spending time with them. But its so overwhelming because every single message I send to anyone I always overanalyze it to make sure it won't affect them negatively. I have frequent nightmares where my friends die of any circumstance and its always my fault. So I'm terrified of accidentally tipping them over the edge.
i'd definitely recommend having these conversations in person (or over video- or voice-chat if they're long-distance friends), so you both can have a better idea of each other's tone & how you're each feeling in the moment
if you have the capacity for it, let your friend know that they can vent to you about things along these lines, if they start to feel like that again. and/or that you'll be on hand for distractions.
you seem to be placing a lot of blame on yourself, but ultimately, you can't force someone to want to stick around. what you do have control over, is whether you made sure your friends know they can reach out to you for support, then actually show them examples of that over time.