Comradeship // Freechat

Nothing ever worked for me. Like nothing. I couldn't do anything the way it had to be done. I had a horrible childhood and teenage years. I have never ever been happy. I never achieved anything. Decades of being an outcast and incoming hate has gotten internalized. I had to leave my family as a result of abuse. I had no support but my girlfriend and her parents, who are my only reason to be still alive now. Around 18 I had to stop university because of suicidal attempts and I had to move back home from abroad. After many attempts and constant risk, my girlfriend helped me find meaning behind it all. As years passed, we found answers in autism. I haven't had the mental capacity and time to wait years for diagnosis, so we gathered the money and as a result of a donation, I have been diagnosed as a result of a long process in like a year. That was cool and all, it however haven't solved anything. Several psych-ward stays later, I got back on my feet, meaning I wasn't at constant risk anymore. That was 2 years ago. Last year I applied to university, this year I have gotten a job. I still haven't achieved anything in life, I have many problems, many of those I share with you on this site as well. However, maybe the first time ever, I kinda feel something that might be described as a primitive and young stability. I am trying my most to keep this stability and to very slowly build on top of it as time goes by. I have put an obsessive restriction on myself trying not to compare myself to others (old classmates and people my age, etc.), so I can get going too and not just sink in misery (knowing this if just internalized capitalism helps me deal with this). I have yet to "fix" my health, or at least tend to it, but that is my next step, I have already got swimming gear, ready to do swimming and eat healthy. I always felt like, since the end of high-school, that I am being kept alive artificially throughout these years, at times even against my will. But this was needed to have a chance at developing the peace of mind necessary to at some point try to stand on my feet, if you know what I mean.

I live a very limited life. I am still not much better than just vegetating. I still need a lot of assistance. But I am in the work force, I can do the daily tasks, I am no longer at risk of going missing or dying and I have room for the people around me, like my girlfriend, the family, the party, you guys, my "friends" and the university classmates along with the collegues at work. This has never been the case before and I try to be present enough for it to take effect and get accustomed to all this. I am still autistic, and I never will not be that. This is not a state in which the autism and the individual is not 2 separate things, so I had to make peace and work with what I have. Did I cry many nights? Yes. Did I needed assistance to have a grip? Yes. But I am proud to say, that my life is not about wanting to commit suicide anymore. And while I do count my blessings, for that I worked very very hard. Keep going autism gang, wishing everyone only the best!