A little over a month ago my two best friends tried to kill themselves on the same night. Throughout the month one of those friends has done that several times. Thankfully they're both still alive today.
Ever since that happened I haven't felt like myself at all, I just, feel like I'm carrying too much and like I'm all alone. People know being suicidal is hard and loosing someone to suicide is hard but having someone you really care about try to kill themselves (and describe how they did it) can also be hard on anyone. I can't make a description of the event on this post but I can say that they didn't pull back, they didn't stop and turn back, they tried to go through and were stopped by an external source. For me that's the part that hurts the most. Knowing they wanted to go through with it.
Ever since it happened Ive been having intrusive thoughts/images about it and just feeling constantly stressed/irritable and having nightmares every now and them. Nightmares in either which I watch them hurt themselves or they die by some form and its my fault. I also had per-existing abandonment issues so before this happened I'd constantly wonder how I would feel if my friends died but the one thing that kept me grounded was knowing that that can't happen in any realistic scenario and now its happening.
Going through life I feel so different, like none of the people I see from day to day have gone through something like this so that makes me different, and if I told them what's going on in my head they'd see me as pathetic because I shouldn't feel this way since they're still alive.
I feel so isolated. Like I want someone, not anyone, but a close friend, who I can talk to about this, but then I remember I have three friends in this world, and two of them want to die. The third one I can talk to but wasn't affected the same way and doesn't really relate.
I don't really know what I'm asking through this post, I guess I just wanted to let it out. I guess I also want to know I'm not alone. Anyone else going through this?
Thank you for sharing. I know how it feels to have people near and dear to you wanting to off themselves, whatever their reasons...
The first time it happened, I went all in. It was my responsibility to keep them alive. I acted like I was a court appointed guardian, like a therapist, a parent, a friend and I tried to act in many more capacities. I sacrificed school and work just to physically be with them. I had them sleep over at my place. And much more. And how did I act? I tried to guilt them into staying alive. As in, I could say things like "how could you do that to me/your loved ones/etc?" Whatever effect that "strategy" had or didn't have on them, it absolutely destroyed me. I got burned out. I had to recuperate for months, which in turn - naturally - impacted my school and career.
The second time it happened, I had learned my lesson: it's not okay to blame people for wanting to die. I am not them. I cannot understand what they are going through. Even though them wanting to end their life made me angry, I held it back and told them how sorry I am that they feel that way. And that I am here to listen. And that they are not alone. And that feelings come and go, and that tomorrow may very well be the best day of the rest of their lives. No more shaming somebody who is already at their lowest. No more taking on the responsibility of professional therapists and doctors.
Five years later, here I am, having for the first time in my life feelings of absolute worthlessness and - would you know - the thought of death being a way to end my suffering does cross my mind. I'm not willing to die yet, but the sense of helplessness makes me understand even more how bad it was to try to keep somebody alive through scorn.
You may disregard everything I've written. I don't know where it came from.
You are not pathetic. If anything, you're empathetic.