Comradeship // Freechat

Growing up, I struggled greatly with making and keeping friends, and was also targeted mercilessly by bullies; so I spent most of my time alone, reading books mostly. I never understood why everyone at school hated me, or at the very least seemed to think I was super weird and avoided me, a painful pattern that persisted into adulthood and the workplace. There just seems to be something about me that neurotypicals find off-putting; my best guess is it's some combination of my inability to make eye contact and my communication style, which is very honest and straightforward.

There were other aspects of autism I had also been struggling with my whole life as well. Before I realized I had autism, I just thought I was weird or something; people would often tell me I was "too sensitive" and needed to just "get over" these issues. These are just a few examples.

• I have sensory sensitivities and get overstimulated easily (noises and the feeling of clothing on my body are my two main struggles).
• Verbal directions are usually very difficult for me for me to process (this was a big problem for me at work), though if I'm given the same information in written form I rarely have issues because I'm hyperlexic.
• Similar to above, I literally can't understand what people are saying if more than one person is talking at once or if there is background noise like a TV.
• Facial blindness is a real struggle for me (meaning, I can't recognize most people based on their faces, with the exception of people like my partner who I've known for over ten years). So when people post memes with a picture of some famous person, and understanding the joke depends on recognizing that person, the joke is almost always lost on me.

About a decade ago, when I was in my early twenties, I was searching the internet for what felt like the millionth time to try and figure out what was "wrong" with me. That's when I found an infographic detailing common traits of autism and how they often present differently in AFAB people compared to what researchers or professionals are expecting, because the vast majority of autism research focused on AMAB subjects. As an AFAB person, most of that infographic deeply resonated with me, and it prompted me to start researching autism. The more I learned, the more it seemed to fit; I finally had an answer for why I had always felt so different and alone. Then, about two or three years ago, I went for psychological testing and received my formal diagnosis of autism.

I do want to mention though, that you don't necessarily need an official diagnosis. It's a personal decision, and will be different for everyone depending on their circumstances. It can be prohibitively expensive to pursue, especially without insurance, and in some cases it may not even provide any meaningful benefit. It's still possible to seek help from a therapist or psychologist to address issues relating to autism without the diagnosis. I decided to do it because I'm on disability and wanted to have that documentation.

Also, I think it's worth mentioning that being autistic can have positive aspects as well (though personally, I don't care for the "superpower" cliche that some people use). For example, I can hyperfocus on topics I'm interested in for extended periods of time (very useful for studying theory), can process a lot of written information quite easily, and am great at research projects. Of course both the positive and negative aspects will look different for each individual person though.