My 5.5yo daughter is very shy, so I've been pushing her into hobbies to help managing her shyness. I've talked about how being shy is fine, but it's something to work on, otherwise she'll have a really hard time making friends. I'm shy and told her about that.
I took her to a gymnastics class (we do gymnastics together at open gym), but she refused to join the class. I said if she does one activity (even just a game at the end), I'll get her ice cream. We spent the time sitting on the side.
She didn't do it, so I figure no ice cream then. She's pretty mad. I'm not mad with her, but just of the opinion that we had a deal, and if she wants the reward, she needs to earn it.
Too harsh? Too soft? Alternatives?
EDIT:
So I took a two prong approach. 1. hard rule for no screaming at me or arguing. 2. we can just sit and watch, but if she joins, we leave after 1 exercise, each time slowly staying longer. She seems to feel safe when she's in control of when she leaves, which makes sense. Seems to be working. She expressed that she was surprised the kids and teacher were nice to her and loved it more than her art class.
I'm not 100% sure why she's so afraid of other kids. Maybe something happened at school I don't know about, but she's way less anxious about the class now.
A few thoughts, just going from your post. I would be careful using the word shy. The more you say something, the more she’ll embody it. So even if she reaches a place where she wants to engage she could still feel like she has to be shy because that’s who she’s been told she is. Try to leave the window for engagement open. “This is something new. It can be hard to do new things. Come and join us when you’re ready”
Does she have any friends that she’s comfortable with? Is there someone her own age that could do an activity with her? It can be helpful to have a familiar face inviting her along.
Sometimes kids just need us adults to get out of the way. It might take her a little while to get comfortable, but if you’re right with her she may never get the courage. As long as she’s not distressed, could she sit and watch the class (joining if/when she’s ready) with you out of sight?
Sometimes kids just need a little more time. I wouldn’t judge too much on one day. Are there other activities she would like? A music class? Art class? Dance? Maybe a sensory friendly play group?
I don’t think you need to reward with ice cream for trying. Eventually her joining in and having fun should be its own reward. You guys can get ice cream together for trying something new, but I wouldn’t mention it beforehand.
If she’s really worried about the kids and teachers being mean do you think it’s just normal shyness or a deeper anxiety? You would obviously know her best but if her fears are hurting her social development you may want to bring it up to a medical professional.
First part is interesting. I didn't think to try changing the wording and avoiding saying shy. Maybe saying something like "So is sounds like it's really important to you to make friends with other kids". I'll think about it
She has a lot of friends and loves playing with them. Neighbors, school, etc. She basically wants to always play with kids or me, but admittedly, I can't keep up with a 5yo energy wise. And she is always asking to play with friends.
In an art class, she has a new friend and they laugh and talk the whole class. She also will joke with the teacher. She cried before going the first couple times, and adamantly "hates" the class before the class, but everytime comes out happy and says she loved it.
Maybe you are right about getting out of the way. I'll try having a phone call in the hall or something next time.