for starters i would like to say im a rich (not personally bougie, my family doesnt own businesses but im certainly rich) kid from semi periphery(?) vassal state, still in school. my life is not actually hard in any way and it kind of embarrasses me to rant about emotions when my situation is not that serious.
but my school is so neoliberal bougie with that insidious 'human rights' pretext that shoves atrocity propaganda slop particularly about AES down my throat and as a certified china enjoyer uh. well i had a bit of a meltdown in school today because my China booklet for my history course cites frank dikotter, masturbates to all sorts of . nonsensical ideas about women suffering even More because of Evil Oriental Gommunism, generally very . makes me fucking crazy (dalai lama tangent in there somewhere too) and im also autistic and i think i just dont get along well with humans because i started fucking weeping and screaming because Like Im So Fucking Crazy In Here. ~~borderline~~ straight up fash rich kids, rich kids with hitlerite particles in there like me that could get so close to figuring it out and then Dont, kids like me who maybe do want to get better and help the world but feel bogged down by slog of life, and still have that hitlerite particle in them and dont know how to get it out
i feel really embarrassed about my breakdown because it got ~~a bit~~ public and i was screaming to my friends who honestly dont rlly fw my politics (i talk to like, one about ml and the state of the world, and it freaked her out so bad she had a panic attack, and i was trying to be hopeful but also for us of different class interests it scares her more than it helps her, and she's empathetic and niceys so like. oh my god im fucking losing it) and like. OH MY GOD STOP FUCKING LYING ABOUT CHINA. STOP INSINUATING MAO FUCKING KILLED THE UYGHUR DELEGATE. STOP CITING FRANK DIKOTTER. STOP OPENLY EQUATING MAO TO ADOLF HITLER. I CANT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE (my life is not bad and i'm sorry to rant like this) i feel very alone
it's nice to know i'm not alone, because i feel pretty atomized and so it's hard to remember that there are other people in such situations who can't take the duress of this, and i'm not just living in some sort of terrible nightmare, completely confused as to what is real. that bit of empathy is really valuable to me, and yeah, schooling kind of fucking sucks, on top of all the other societal pressures it creates it's just utter deception in these places so like. aghhh
me when i sniffle and cry because this is such a niceys and empathetic remark as well. yes, i'm a bit abashed that my episode did not get me anywhere and didn't convey a point, but yeah, i do feel a lot of the time i'm surrounded by enemies (and i am. lol), and i will try to be kind about this because it is untenable, it is unpleasant, it is a bizarre experience. thank you for letting me vent and thank you for calling me a comrade, i really am so appreciative
Any time 😌