depression

I mean, on the one hand, I can kinda see it ... I did a lot of bad shit I likely wouldn't have otherwise done, in my room, behind a closed door, when I was around your age, and from your posts, I gather in roughly the same mental and emotional state.

You need to get some professional help, and they may steer you to some needed meds. I didn't know I needed anti-depressants until I was like 33 or something, and I've been on them many, many, many years since, because my brain just isn't quite wired the same way as a normal brain. I can't even begin to imagine how different my life could have been were this identified and addressed when I was still your age.

It's worth pursuing, if you're able. Things can get better.