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Thank you for coming to my TED talk. Today we will be discussing fetch quests, a game mechanic in which...
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this post was submitted on 09 Mar 2026
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Whoa. I'm 30 years old and was educated in the parochial school system (Catholic schools, aka segregation academies) and in all those years of mandatory religion class (preschool thru highschool) had never heard this one. I had to look it up. What a fuckin weird thing to request.
When I was younger, I read the bible of my own initiative (as an Atheist), and I remember this as:
The guy requested something ridiculous as a fuck-off fuck-you, and then the guy massacred hundreds of people and actually ripped their dicks off, and then the guy was like - shit - uhhh, let's not piss this guy off. A deal's a deal.
And then religious people start talking about the symbolism of foreskin removal an piety, and this righteous warrior undergoing a heroic divine challenge to win the girl.
And I thought, did we read the same book? They don't read the book, they have snippets selected for them in church, and someone chooses for them how to interpret it.
The Talmud discusses this, as that was the price of the dowry to Michal(?), to wed Saul's daughter. The foreskins have no value, but the caveat is that it has value as dog food. (The internet says it's in Tractate Sanhedrin 19b, although I don't know how reliable that is but I knew it was in there.)
It was indeed a way to get David killed, since Saul was losing his grip on his sanity because he was being tormented by a prophecy and an evil spirit that fed and exacerbated on his own internal weaknesses.
The character of David is meant to represent what it would be like to be a warrior with bloodlust and desensitization to carnage if he directed his energies toward the service of God. Religious scholars and tradition contrast this with Esau, Jacob's firstborn, who also shared David's temperament but used it for evil and self-indulgence.
I tried to do the same thing at around 13/14 years old. I couldn't get through all of the old testament (torah) because it was full of absolutely insane nonsense. When I got tired of reading the super weird rules about sex and incest I decided to skip to revelations and call it quits.
After figuring that catholicism was pretty weird and whack I landed on atheistish zen Buddhism and did that for like a decade. I have since take the shahada and converted to Islam.