this post was submitted on 09 Mar 2026
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Anyone notice how all (well intentioned) advice for autistic people is just "mask harder"? (lemmy.ca)
submitted 1 day ago by sveltecider@lemmy.ca to c/autism@lemmy.world
62 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

What the title says. Well intentioned, often other "neurodivergent" people look at your life, your autism, and say: "you should mask harder."

For example, I accidentally said something that offended a friend. Won't go into detail, but it was me unintentionally coming off as arrogant, not something bad like a slur or hate speech.

I asked for advice (elsewhere) and the advice was universally, "you see, NT avoid this topic at all costs. Going forwards, know it is best to avoid this topic."

But isn't this just saying "mask harder and be more palatable for everyone else"?

Every piece of "autism advice" I see even in "neurodivergent friendly" communities is basically "how to be less autistic."

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[–] CandleTiger@programming.dev 9 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

“Read the room” is not a rule. “Read the room” is a skill of knowing how the people in the room are feeling.

The rule that skill serves is, “don’t say things that people in the room can’t handle hearing right now”

Obvious example: avoid chattering happily about your recent raise in front of people who are miserable they just got laid off.

Usually, people dismissively saying “read the room” mean, “I know that you are capable of feeling and understanding other people’s emotions, would you please fucking pay attention to that skill right now?” (This is plenty common even for not-autistic people) But of course for autistic people that assumption is just incorrect. People saying that to autistic people need to read the room.

[–] Ohmmy@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 points 11 hours ago* (last edited 11 hours ago) (1 children)

I'm sorry but I completely disagree, read the room is entirely a rule. If you think social expectations are merely skills and not rules then idk where to really take this because society, socializing, it's all rules of which skill can allow you to bend and sometimes break. For instance it's against the rules to be happy at a funeral, even if you're happy but if you're socially skilled you can manage it.

I think you're getting stuck on people saying "read the room" not all the unspoken rules that ND people have to navigate simply because not doing it is rude. If I get asked "how are you" and I reply "I don't know why I'm alive anymore" I am considered an asshole not the person asking questions they don't want answers to. I have to follow the unspoken rules that they don't really give a fuck about me, they don't care how I'm doing, and that I need to lie even if I'm uncomfortable with it because they forced me to.

[–] QDgwZjQYdfbnMdMNQ@lemmy.cafe 1 points 10 hours ago

I would argue that it's moreso that there are many more specific and clear social rules, but most people don't know how to explain them, so when asked, they just say "read the room". As another person said, it might also be a reminder or shorthand of something that you are assumed to already know intuitively.

I think part of the skill is tone, which is kinda dumb since the truth you communicate is basically the same. Even so, something like "I don't know why I'm alive anymore" might be considered rude while something like "eh" or "not great" or "same as usual" (hopefully that's not your usual) or even something like "well, I've been a bit overwhelmed by current events recently" would generally not be seen as rude. You can still say something that's true; you just have to soften things. It would be easier if the softening was not necessary, but as people have gotten at earlier, you have more power to change yourself that to change how the rest of the world reacts to things.