this post was submitted on 15 Mar 2026
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Mental Health
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Nah, I don't think it's productive to directly compare experiences in a quantitative way like this. That often just ends up with us telling ourselves that we're not allowed to struggle just because we think other people have it worse. Even if that were true, diminishing our own struggles doesn't do anything to help the other person to carry their burden.
I prefer to think of people's struggles as being so qualitatively different that it's often nonsensical to compare two experiences and say that one person has it better or worse than the other — it's neither, just different (and sometimes relatively lightweight struggles hit us especially hard if they happen to require skills that we aren't great at, or if all of our life challenges are draining the same fuel tank at once).
For instance, being no contact with my mum means I have the space that I can love and appreciate all the good she did for me, whilst healing from the hurt she caused. I'm not good with uncertainty, so although it stings that I had to do that, it was a lighter burden than trying to hold up her mental health on my own. At the time, making the choice to cut her off felt like something I had to do because I was too weak to endure the ways she hurt me, but to a friend whose parents are similar to mine, I seem incredibly strong because I did something that she wishes she could do, but she feels too weak to take such decisive action (meanwhile, I am impressed by the strength she shows in trying her best to maintain her boundaries while keeping her parents in her life). It's all relative, is my point.
I think the only reason why I would ever want to put two experiences side by side to compare is when it's being done in a manner to relate better to other people. It's like I said in my original comment: the concrete specifics of your situation are quite different from my own, but despite that, I found your original comment highly relatable. There's a few vibes in your more recent comment that are relatable too. I found that interesting, and it made me feel a sense of solidarity with you — which often helps me to bear the pain of my own struggles.
Shit's messy, but at least I'm not the only person in the world who gets what it's like to have the baggage of a fucked up upbringing