this post was submitted on 26 Mar 2026
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And if I found out that someone was "flirting" with me while deliberately avoiding mentioning that they have an SO so that I would provide them with "validation" over the course of a conversation, it'd be at least a mild consolation to know that the person in question was not worth being involved with.
That's fine, that's your preference. The thing I said that you quoted wasn't super applicable to this situation anyways, since the OP knows they don't want to pursue any sort of relationship, whereas I was commenting from a perspective of uncertainty, so maybe I shouldn't have even included that part. Personally I wouldn't hide that I have an SO if I were in the OP's shoes, but I still don't think that's really the other parties business if OP is never intending to be romantic/sexual with their flirting partner anyways. To me it feels reminiscent of cis people getting mad if I don't disclose that I'm trans to someone I'm flirting with because they may not be into me if they knew. But like if we aren't actually committing to anything, then why is it their business? It's not quite the same because there is an actual danger to disclosing transness to someone you don't know, whereas disclosing that you have a partner likely won't put you in danger, but I think the general idea that it isn't actually the other person's business unless you are going to have a romantic/sexual relationship with them is the same.
Why put flirting and validation in scare quotes? Mutual flirting goes both ways after all, both participants are validated. I don't think that validation or the words expressed become less real just because there is no intent to follow up on them.
Maybe it's worth considering then that, if we're talking about a proposed habitual behavior toward strangers, what matters is not just if anyone is fine with it but what the odds are that over several goes, it will be hurtful to some people?
I think the part about you potentially being put in danger is a pretty important distinction! In fact, I think it's pretty difficult to abstract away from that fact. Let me know if another analogy occurs to you.
For the sake of brevity, disgust at the cutesy way they describe this behavior, etc. Let me know if you think further explanation is important.
I'm sure you have already come to the conclusion that our perspectives are wildly different and quite difficult to reconcile owing at least in part to our different experiences (statistically, you've been hit on more in a ~2 year period than I have in my whole life, based on your other comment), but I hope that you can understand why someone deliberately misleading me to milk some compliments out of me for the sake of their "need"* for validation while not having the slightest possibility of any genuine interest in me at any point might not actually be a super validating experience for me. Someone condescending to telling me what they think I want to hear so that I express interest in them and they feel good about themselves does not appeal to me.
*in this case I meant it as the more straightforward "what they are calling it is absolutely not what it really is" marker, if you're wondering.