I was paid big bucks to write this harrowing tale of survival for this publication.

China stole my wife. I came home one day and China was in bed with my wife, both naked.

I was startled, but not as much as when she said she was leaving me for him and I could see myself out.

I'm typing this from a motel room trying to figure out what I'm gonna do now. Probably gonna go back to one of my mistresses until I figure something out.

And that is the reason we must nuke the People's Republic right this instant.

Update: I have been told my wife's lover's name is not China but Chad.