I'm with you on the stoner thing. I have tendency to abuse substances, though thankfully haven't developed alcoholic tendencies (seeing my best friend become an alcohol was enough for me to seriously try not to abuse it in the first place).

The weed helps give me that change in sobriety that I really enjoy w/o nearly the same damage to my mental health and body. That said I've definitely abused it, so I had to still set some basic parameters on myself, cuz making weed my whole personality would have had a negative social impact even if my body was cool with it.

I had a similar experience in that I drank and "functioned" for a good 15 years. I didn't really see it as a problem since I was able to maintain a job and climb up the career ladder, while a lot of my social circle was doing the same thing. I eventually got into enough trouble and sought therapy, which helped me stay sober for a really long time. Now, I can have a few drinks here and there, but they are limited and far apart. The vast majority of the time that people are drinking, I really don't want to, but that took a lot of sober time and realization that I don't like alcohol, being drunk, and especially hang overs. I just liked not feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and sad. The thing is, when we are anxious and depressed for so long, we think that's what life is. It takes a long time of being sober and rebuilding a new life to escape that pit.

I agree with everything that @FollyDolly@lemmy.world said. What really helped me what getting into therapy, a healthy supportive circle, and going 2 months without drinking. Those two months were essential because they helped me realize some important things.

1. Like they said, I was blowing a ton of money on alcohol which I didn't realize until I stopped drinking and saw my bank account at the end of the two months. All that money I ended up inadvertently saving I was able to spend on cool new things like a new computer or upgrades for my car.

2. The other thing was realizing that the vast majority of my friends weren't really friends. They were drunk assholes, and so was I. After being sober for two months, I noticed that I didn't like my social circle at all, and eventually ended up choosing to cut them out of my life because all they really wanted to do was drink and started unnecessary problems. I found out that I didn't like being around drunk people, that the things I thought were fun when I was drunk were not fun at all, and that I didn't like who I was when I was drunk.

3. The last important realization was that I was really avoiding problems by drinking. I didn't ever resolve anything. I would instead bounce from problem to problem and drinking the emotions of the problems away to pretend they weren't there. If you would have asked me while I was drinking if that's what I was doing, I would have sincerely said no. However, once I stopped, I was able to recognize that I had to do something with those emotions by resolving them in a healthy way as best as I could.

As far as how to help is mainly to stop enabling them if they don't want to stop drinking. By this, I mean stop fixing the consequences of their behaviors. It's really hard to do because you care about them, so it may help to understand that the best way to help them is for them to suffer their consequences. This is what will trigger them to realize it needs to stop. Regardless of what they do, do not fix their consequences for them. That is what they need to get better. It might even mean that you will lose them for some time, and that's okay. It's part of the process. If they get healthier, they will eventually come back. Don't be scared of losing them. It might be what both of you need.

Another thing that would help is to encourage them to stop drinking for about 2 months. How I did it was to just think about it as I was not drinking for that day only. I didn't have to figure out how I would stop drinking for eternity, just that day. The next day I would do the same thing. In order to help with this, I created a schedule of things to keep me busy in the meantime that wouldn't allow me to drink. The funner and more engaging the activities, the better. So instead of not knowing what I was going to do all weekend, I would have an entire schedule of events that would not match with drinking and would keep me busy enough to not think about it.

Also, get rid of all the alcohol in the house. Avoid anywhere they have drank. Engage them in a new world that has no reminders of drinking. Have them join social circles where drinking is discouraged so they can see that not everyone drinks. That means no bars, maybe no restaurants, no beer aisle, etc. Anywhere they used to drink is off limits for some time, especially those first few months. After a while, they could potentially slowly introduce those places into their life.

Importantly, if they are a daily drinker, they may need medical detox because alcohol withdrawal can kill. This is a serious matter. In my experience, alcohol detox is very compassionate and caring. They hook it up with a place to be super relaxed and give meds to slowly avoid the withdrawal symptoms. There's no agony or pain. It really isn't a poor experience at all.

On relapse, it's possible and even likely that they may relapse. Rather than see this as a failure, understand that it's part of the process. Prepare for relapse by having a plan ahead of time on what to do if there is a relapse.

Lastly, really try to avoid shame. Shame will just trigger the desire to drink to push it away. Instead, be direct and compassionate. Talk about behaviors and experiences you don't like, not about how you don't like them. You still like their authentic self.

@Flickerby@lemm.ee