On my beefy desktop PC it takes about 30s to a minute to open on a 4 year old SSD

Steam takes about 15s max, less usually but it opens on PC start so I don't usually have to open it

On my laptop from 3 years ago steam is about a 22s open (doesn't open on launch there) and epic takes well over a minute and a fucking half

The laptop hardware is just slightly older, lower versions of basically the same desktop hardware too so why the difference is so gd massive idk

But it seems like some hardware HATES EGS

No, of course I'm not saying it takes minutes on a computer from the last few years with a nvme. The duration in the meme is likely a blatant exaggeration for meming, or for a weaker computer (still a valid criticism point but another topic).

I just tried both. With the first start, Steam vs Epic timers are about 5vs10 seconds, while with a second launch Steam still keeps to 5 while Epic is down to 7 second for me.

These are all on a Ryzen 3600 with 3500wr nvme and a 3200mhz ram, but friends have both worse and better PCs in all regards and still notice the difference.

5 vs 7, even 5 vs 10 seconds on an enough PC isn't and shouldn't be something to fret about. Admittedly, my feelings of Epic being slower comes from still long first post-install runs and usage from 6+ months ago, and in my case Epic opens quite quickly these days.

Edit: Checked your vid, and yeah, something similar on a second-run, but albeit with a flashing Epic logo once, but in a similar duration in total.