-10
How do you torture an evil hell entity you capture in your room? (sopuli.xyz)
submitted 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) by pinkdrunkenelephants@sopuli.xyz to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml
29 comments fedilink hide all child comments

So at 4:30 in the morning, I was woken by an interdimensional alien monstrosity I can only imagine is one of the creatures David Grusch was alluding to in that Congressional hearing a few weeks ago, and after an hour of running away, suppressing my screams, and unsuccessful attempts at smashing the thing, I have captured it in a Mason jar, and now have no idea how to properly punish it.

And I emphasize punish as opposed to simply kill, for the indignities this not-so-little asshole put me through the past hour render it completely undeserving of any mercy, quarter, or protection under our legal system.

IT'S HALF THE SIZE OF MY FUCKING HAND.

IT, IT'S BROWN AND SHINY ALL AT THE SAME TIME SOMEHOW.

IT FLEW. I HAD TO DODGE TO KEEP IT FROM FLYING IN MY FACE. 😑😑😑🀬🀬🀬😰😰😰

It dared to defy the authority of the top creature of the motherfucking pecking order on Earth, and for my humiliation it must be forced to suffer. An example must be made so none of its kind get any ideas. I don't want them to invade Earth and destroy humanity.

Only this is my first time dealing with something like this and I don't know how to make it suffer.

How do you maximize the pain of an evil alien entity from another dimension? How do we make it suffer as much as possible? Yes, this is a serious question.

Can these things even feel pain?

Did, did Lovecraft ever leave any of his instructions in his books? Anyone have a copy of the Necronomicon, perchance?

Proof that aliens exist, EAT YOUR HEART OUT GRUSCH: https://ibb.co/9VpsTMt

No throwaways, we die like aliens dumb enough to crash land in the American heartland

all 30 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[-] Doll_Tow_Jet-ski@kbin.social 34 points 10 months ago

Dude chill. Don't step down to their level. Show the creature some mercy. You've tortured enough by keeping it in that mason jar. Let it go and break the cycle of violence

[-] pinkdrunkenelephants@sopuli.xyz -3 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

Fuck that. I spent 10 minutes looking for it during one attempt only to find it crawling on my freaking bed. The only reason I am even up right now is because I am washing my sheets and blankets because of that vile fucking thing. It left like, this weird black dust.

Oh God, it left weird black dust. 😰😰😰

It's, it's not gonna infect me, is it?

Those things don't lay eggs in people, do they?

Yes that actually is kind of a serious question. 😰😰😰😰😰😰

[-] Boterham@feddit.de 7 points 10 months ago

You will probably have transformed into a monstrous vermin when you awake from uneasy dreams tomorrow morning.

[-] Lemvi 17 points 10 months ago

Bring the creature outside and release it, let it tell tales about the mighty human warriors and the incredible mercy they showed for such an inferior being.

[-] Mothra@mander.xyz 14 points 10 months ago

Unless it has given unmistakable evidence of possessing high intelligence, torture is pointless. It doesn't understand its transgression, or how you feel, let alone they'll ever be able to link the cause of their suffering as a consequence of such transgression.

I would suggest you re evaluate the costs and benefits of making this alien suffer. It's likely not that convenient for you anyway.

And no, no aliens lay eggs on people. The dust is already unusual.

[-] pinkdrunkenelephants@sopuli.xyz -4 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

I don't know; I think that thing plenty understood the terror it put me through when it tried to fly into my face.

Okay, all joking aside, that thing does have to be killed regardless and it's too strong to be smooshed, voice of experience. I just need to meditate and figure out how.

[-] Mothra@mander.xyz 5 points 10 months ago

Well if you must kill it you can spray insecticide in the jar and cover it quickly. Otherwise you can just leave it in the jar.

I prefer the swift death with a chancla though, I find the first two options take too long, in particular the second, and these aliens can stay alive for more than a week in captivity. Since you can't use the chancla I would recommend the spray.

[-] dan1101@lemm.ee 4 points 10 months ago

Water should do the trick. It has to breathe something.

[-] pinkdrunkenelephants@sopuli.xyz -5 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

A slow death by drowning does seem appropriate. I could even pop a hole in the top to stop it escaping while I pour the water in.

I hope they can't swim 😰

[-] sylver_dragon@lemmy.world 14 points 10 months ago

Seek mental help. Your desire to torture a bug, to cause pain purely for the sake of causing pain, demonstrates a troubled mind.

[-] pinkdrunkenelephants@sopuli.xyz -2 points 10 months ago

Can I ship it to your house then?

[-] Candelestine@lemmy.world 10 points 10 months ago

I'd probably set it up in front of a tv set to evangelical christian ministers asking it for money in exchange for miracles.

[-] pinkdrunkenelephants@sopuli.xyz -1 points 10 months ago

That is actually not a bad idea

[-] jmbmkn@beehaw.org 9 points 10 months ago

These things crave attention. It will be loving getting this social media clout. I heard the most tortuous thing you can do to these monsters is put it outside and forget about it. They HATE the silent treatment.

[-] pinkdrunkenelephants@sopuli.xyz 0 points 10 months ago

But what if it gets back inside?

[-] moipe@lemmy.world 8 points 10 months ago

So you caught a moth in a mason jar? I heard on the internet the other day that some moths don't even have mouths, they just live to bang. I'm sure you'll think of something.

[-] Deconceptualist@lemm.ee 8 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

I think you've got it backwards. Most likely this is the creature's ancestral homeland where thousands of generations found a niche with enough food and safety to reproduce to this day.

That means YOU are the alien and invaded by parking your ship (house) here.

Most likely it just wanted to escape, and get back to a place with food and a mate. It doesn't understand why it's trapped. Imagine if you were out in the forest and fell though the roof of a cave, then found yourself trapped with an angry bear. Kinda of like that.

The bug didn't set out to frighten you. So you're already torturing it by keeping it confined. I would find the nearest nature park or reservation and let it go there.

[-] pinkdrunkenelephants@sopuli.xyz -3 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

Nah fam, evolution doesn't work that way and humanity didn't rise to the top by submitting to the will of evil hell monstrosities simply because they were there first. Elvis was there before Michael Jackson, did that stop MJ from beating most of his sales records, marrying his daughter and claiming the title of King of Pop? Nope.

That thing could possibly spread diseases, too, and might wander its way back into my house, or someone else's, and who would I be if I brought that kind of horror upon an unwitting neighbor? What if it bit somebody, or a house pet?

Does human life hold such little value to you that you are willing to choose a literal evil entity over one of your fellow humans?

That thing needs to die, and I shall kill it as soon as I think of an execution method I find suitable.

[-] Deconceptualist@lemm.ee 1 points 10 months ago

I'm not saying you have to welcome this thing anywhere near your house (I wouldn't either). But I'm not sure you have the healthiest relationship with our fellow living beings. I recommend some David Attenborough documentaries as a bit of cleansing, might help you feel better.

[-] Summzashi@lemmy.one 6 points 10 months ago

What in the thorazine deficiency is this post

[-] GammaGames@beehaw.org 2 points 10 months ago

It’s unhinged!

[-] pinkdrunkenelephants@sopuli.xyz 0 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

Is thorazine deadly to aliens or insects? πŸ€” If so, it would be a viable execution method

[-] Summzashi@lemmy.one 0 points 10 months ago

Lol so funny 🀣

[-] LoraxEleven@beehaw.org 5 points 10 months ago

Looks like a fine alien to take on a bass fishing trip..

[-] pinkdrunkenelephants@sopuli.xyz -4 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

I am debating between that and some kind of chemical. Those things have to have pain receptors no matter what fucking hell planet they come from, so logic denotes there must be some chemical I can dump on it to cause it excruciating agony.

this post was submitted on 08 Sep 2023
-10 points (43.1% liked)

Asklemmy

42601 readers
1138 users here now

A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions

Search asklemmy πŸ”

If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!

  1. Open-ended question
  2. Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
  3. Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
  4. Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
  5. An actual topic of discussion

Looking for support?

Looking for a community?

~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_A@discuss.tchncs.de~

founded 5 years ago
MODERATORS
Cloak@lemmy.ml
mekhos@lemmy.ml
tmpod@lemmy.pt
14specks@lemmy.ml
ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone
AdaShovelace@lemmy.ml