Ask Lemmy

My family abandoned me after my divorce - my ex husband did some fucked up manipulative shit. (“I want us to be poly/for you sleep with another guy” -> “he cheated on me” when I finally did it to both of our entire extended families.)

What has helped me coped more than anything is new hobbies. Rebuilding a self. I started taking pottery classes and made some outside social connections. Art is a really good means of the self exploration that teaches you who you are and what it means to be a person again. Therapy of course, but you have to find someone that clicks with you.

It’s been about two and half years since it happened. (Well, the divorce itself was a nightmarish year long hell.) I’m finally starting to feel like myself again.

I’d say Google your local vo-tech or library. Show up to cooking classes or book clubs or something. Something new, that honors the new person you must become.

If it's been that long and it's still getting worse, you should see your PCP or a psychiatrist if you haven't already. There are many treatments for depression, and a doctor can help identify underlying medical causes that could be contributing.

I'm sorry that you're in this position and I can unfortunately understand on a deep level on just how distressing it can feel to be alone.

This situation that you're describing is really painfully close to what I personally experienced with one of my own breakups.

Men are often viewed as the ones who should predominantly pull themselves up by their bootstraps and as such shouldn't be given empathy or the right to be listened to.

• an an Enby I've both seen and experienced this firsthand.

It really sucks that these kinds of disconnection happens when reality really doesn't have to be this way.

I unfortunately can't say anything that could possibly fix this landscape but please know that you are not alone. 💪

💖🙌 Your pain and emotional distress is real, you deserve love just as everyone else. 🔥💖

If possible, I'd highly reaching out to your local social empathy/mental help centres as I've personally found help there and they might be able to help you as well🍀🌻

It's really hard to know why people haven't been supportive without knowing you and them better. But how do you know and interact with these folks? Do you have them over for drinks? Play games online? Do they all know each other? Did they know you or your ex first?

I don't have any great advice, I'm sorry. But if you live in Oregon I'll totally buy you a beer and listen to your story.

It’s how it goes. Same thing happened to me at 30, it sucks. Just be happy you don’t have kids together I’m guessing, then you’ll be connected forever attending weddings and graduations. Time to make a clean break and move on, not worth your time to dwell on the past.

I'm sorry to tell you but most likely you were demonised, othered and outed. If i were to guess from experience, these people were told your ex's side of the story where she could justify everything without being contested.

I'm also sorry that you have shitty people around you if you're not getting any support from your expected former best friends.

Please please don't kill yourself. I've been through a similar situation myself and I can tell you that it does get better. Keeping clean (free of drugs) and being around people helps. Join your local hackspace or just any hobby group of your liking that does meetings regularly in your area. I have made a lot of friends though my local hackspace (granted, this was when i felt more ready). I'm certain you can rebuild your circle too bro.

I know i'm an online face but if you would like to play some multiplayer games sometimes and chat, feel free to send a DM.

It's going to be OK, brother. I'll check up on you later so keep a look out, yeah? Take care of yourself.

Because we are the problem. Never them. It takes a decade of shitty treatment to be seen as the problem. Everyone expects you to keep on keeping on and quit complaining.

I only say this as being divorced for a decade now. My son lives with me since her Insanity is apparent to him. I get sympathy from my family now, but in the beginning I was on my own.

Shitty friends.

Hey homie, I see you're a Canadian, so if you also are an Ottawan and want a sympathetic ear I'd be happy to buy you a beer and chat, and/or help you drown it out for an evening with pinball and loud guitars if that's your speed. Serious offer - if it's of interest don't hesitate to PM, if not no worries whatsoever. Edit: Shit - based on your MP you're not. Offer amended to if you take a trip out here/an open PM inbox

There's a lot of good comments in this thread. In my experience, it's a combination of factors - sometimes a product of your ex shit talking you to your friends, if they were "both of your friends"; often, simply a lack of ability to really relate/be helpful in these situations, and over time getting frustrated with that situation and just saying "bro, get over it". Guys often have a hard time sharing their emotions or holding space for those of their friends, for a lot of reasons.

I have more thoughts on this stuff, but don't know if they would be useful to you. The only thing I can tell you is that it can be a dark, lonely and painful road. But it can get better, and to be crude - it is 100% not worth killing yourself over some bitch (because, based on what you've shared, that's how she specifically was behaving and acting towards you) who made you feel like shit for a long time. All that would mean is that you let her define how your life ended. Fuck. That. You're worth more than that.

Because women get support for things like this while men don’t. Because equality = modern rights + old world preferential treatment.

My guy. I hear you and see you. It’s unfortunate the way things landed for you. Keep putting in the hard work. I wish I had more advice for you, but I’m down in the weeds in a similar “friend” situation myself.

I will say this: do things to take care of yourself. Keep the house clean, make yourself bonafide dinners, and treat yourself every now and again.

Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with?

Those "two" possibilities might actually just be the same thing. This is what guys deal with BECAUSE people are shitty.

People generally don't go around looking to help others. People look for ways to make themselves feel better. People with a mantra of helping others may or may not be doing so, but they continue because it is helping them fill a hole in themselves.

I've never divorced, but I have had breakups, and I got over them by embracing the hobbies I had before (in my case, programming). That might not be a lot but it's a start.

I think I need sleep. I thought you were writing that you got $30 million after your divorce. I was wondering who you were complaining to.

On a serious note. Are you ok?

37m going through it now. Mutual aid groups have been supporting me and providing me with community.

Its likely those people just weren't your friends or even gave a shit about your situation.

Holy shit man, reading your story was just slightly diffrent than mine. Like looking into a mirror.

My partner broke up with me 5 months ago, we've been together for 11 years with a kid of 5 years old.

I lost it a couple weeks ago now and had to be checked into a mental facility. My sister is helping my ex and long story short no one is on my side. I have one friend and my Mum doing her best to help, but if you ever want to talk. I'm here for you dude.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sucks getting no to little support and being betrayed like this. Please if you're in a bad head space, I'll be here for you and do my best to get back ASAP.