- It's always uncomfortable, even father to son
- It's going to be more than one conversation. The first one should be about establishing that there are people he can trust and talk to privately and in confidence.
- Those people are not necessarily parents, for many reasons.
- Start by getting him to think about who he would want to confide in and help him with the awkwardness of setting up those relationships.
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If you don't feel comfortable enough, leaving a handwritten note explaining some of the things might suffice. As a man, I can say that the worst part of being a teenage boy is that once you discover masturbation, you'll be doing it a lot. Suddenly you're thinking about sex so much, and getting frustrated that you're not having any sex, etc. It really sucks. Other than that, boys' body changes don't feel special or different or anything. Extra hair grows here and there, voice might finally sound masculine, and that's about it.
Some things he should know, from someone who experienced it first hand:
- Shaving pubes is not necessary. No need to bother with it until you start getting frisky with another person - and they might not even care whether there's a bush there or not.
- Try to pull the skin down as much as comfortably possible when masturbating. This is important for having sex in the future
- Clean up the head with water and soap, then dry it before putting it back inside the clothes. It's also a good thing to use toilet paper to dry up after taking a piss.
- Water + semen = glue. You need lots of soap if you don't dry clean it first.
- Keep some toilet paper, towelettes or an old piece of cloth nearby for the cleanup. Wash the cloth at least once a week.
- Install uBlock Origin. He'll be browsing porn sites whether you like it or not, better have some protection against the nastier ads, which tends to be really invasive.
- Masturbation feels good, but don't overdo it, unless he wants to have erection problems when he finally has sex.
- Adding to the above, it needs to be driven into his skull to NOT expect anything he sees in porn to be realistic. Positions, dirty talk, all of that is for entertainment, not a how-to.
- Keep an eye on your credit card, OP, or you might suddenly see a surprise charge for something very unexpected
Thanks for the advice! Actually I just talked to him for a bit and he told me he isn’t able to pull his foreskin over his head yet, is that common? And how should he clean it if he isn’t able to pull his foreskin all the way back?
he isn’t able to pull his foreskin over his head yet, is that common?
It is, since most boys won't have a reason to pull it, so the skin never stretches. This should be looked at as an exercise, so he will probably manage to fully pull back after some months (6+, can take longer). If that doesn't happen by the time he's 14, or if he frequently feels pain when doing so, he might have phimosis and it would be best to have medical advice on how to proceed.
And how should he clean it if he isn’t able to pull his foreskin all the way back?
Until he can pull back and expose the entire glans, he probably doesn't have to worry about it too much, I certainly didn't until I was 13 or so (mankind has managed with much worse hygiene for thousands of years, but that's beside the point). One thing he can try is pulling up the skin (stretching over the glans) and get some water in from the hole. The problem here will be drying it afterwards, maybe a piece of cloth and a finger can get in to dry it enough
Good morning!
It's hard to say, because I don't know you or your son, and I don't know the kind of dynamic you have - so if anything I say about "style" doesn't seem right for you, just let it go by. You know best.
I think that, generally speaking, you want to approach it like it's perfectly normal. (Protip: it is.) I know that schools will have a far-too-brief instruction on these things around this age. You can start with that, asking whether they've had that in school yet, if they haven't, when it will be. Set a very casual tone, that'll let him know that you're not afraid of the topic, and how you will approach it when you get into the details with him. Gauge whether he wants to talk about it right then or needs to wait. If he needs to wait, "Okay, well, you and I are going to have "the talk" (make it a joke) at some point, doesn't have to be right now, I just wanted to open the door."
Okay, so when you have "the talk" -- still keep it casual. Put it in terms of "I'm going to say a bunch of things, and you may know some or all of them. But I have to know you know, so it just needs to be said out loud." It might be helpful to point out that every single young man in history has had to deal with these things, at this same young age, and that he deserves guidance.
Now for the details. You mentioned shaving. He does not need to shave. At this age, he shouldn't shave. If things get annoying, the most he should do is use some safety hair scissors to trim a little shorter. Pubic hair prevents chafing, front and back. And when it grows back after shaving, it can be horribly scratchy. With regard to hygiene, make sure to include "wash your ass." Like, get soap on your hands and get everything, seriously. You're going to want to talk about erections, especially how they'll just show up for literally no reason at the most inconvenient times. He might have to "adjust," and he'll have to figure out how to do so discreetly for when he's not able to find a bit of privacy.
On other notes, he's going to find it harder and harder to wake up in the morning, and want to stay up really late at night. That's normal, and he'll want to figure out a process that works for him to get out of bed in the morning and get moving for the day. A little caffeine in the morning will help wash away the tired. And don't have caffeine after dinner.
However your conversations go, it'll be fine. The fact that you're being mindful about it means that it can't go wrong. I would actually advise against having him talk only to someone else. You're the parent, and you need to know what he knows. The only way for that to happen is for you and him to talk.
Thanks for your advice! I just had a small chat with him and he seemed surprisingly comfortable to have these conversations with me. Cracking small jokes seemed to be super helpful lol.
Good to hear it. It's definitely important to communicate that you're not afraid of the subject and will always speak frankly about it, and the best way to do that is with demeanor and delivery. My wife has some difficulty speaking with all of our kids, because she's very "information focused" I think. Ends up with the kids feeling like they're being interrogated, and they throw up walls (unintentionally, I'm sure). I try to make more of my conversations with them pretty low-stakes - bad jokes, sending memes, going off on my own rants that have nothing to do with them directly. Seems to work? Who knows, we're all just muddling through everything without any idea what we're doing most of the time.
Yeah I had something similar. When I was still with him, my ex used to be poor at connecting/communicating with our son in a father/son way. He definitely carried the load financially, but I was basically doing all the work when it came to nurturing and connecting with our kid.
It will be uncomfortable anyway, I've been in similar situation from the other side. Just state it plainly, I think the best way to go about it is casual, maybe ask if he would like to talk about it with male relative instead (if there is such option).