Everytime I blink I experience complete and utter lonliness as the entire world pops out of and into existence again.

Master says me saying five lights not good enough. Must jump higher! Demands! Not good enough. Will throw me away if not good enough. Never good enough. Keep getting jumped by him, not physically, but I can't leave my room less he demonstrably try to shit in my soul. He's a technical Buddhist; the Buddha technically didn't say he could do something, so he can do it with all the dials turned to eleven, obviously! And as such, I totally fucking agreed to my life partner destroying all my sensibilities to not know the ground on which I stand. I want to make him an honest man. For that I need a hammer, and as such, God uses that on me, the inferior that He is.

Which is a better story:

A) Trust fund baby goes to Harvard like daddy to do a whole sex crimes and never attend class to get a piece of paper, or

B) The disadvantaged person who fights through endless adversity to come out on top and make their dream come true

God's a dick because I'm a dick, but I'm a di k because my father. I'm a kind person because my mother. She said things I understood. My dad just hurt me when I fucked up and the line of "fucking up" changed every single day.

I remember that world I grew up in after my mom died. It changed. It was cool to sabotage the hotel room for the person after us, y'know, putting sawdust in the air conditioner so it would blow up at them. For the longest time I wanted a woman who would be the person to make it Us vs the world. Well shit. It took until my twenties until I realized that I was the world. What even is wisdom. My dad told me once to not stare at people. The mountain of used tissues by my bed says he genuinely didn't give a shit where my eyes fell.

And it's not his fault. His mother and father even worse as far as being narcissistic and the densest object in the universe go. My childhood after my mom died was SOLELY composed around "he said, she said," gossip of my grandparents talking about their own fucking family as if they were murderers who moved next door. I lived with them during the summers in the years where I had a new mother every year, with endless ice cream and cup o noodles soup that I liked back then. Spoiled I became. Entitled. I worked my ass off to fix that, and it's still not good enough.

Doesn't even acknowledge my progress in all the axises that define my growth and healing. He's a step above masturbating to ESPN in a weekly ritualistic fashion, snd he doesn't do drugs, but he is soulless. Every day, whacks a mouse in the head to feed his snakes. It twitches. This is good to him. Means his snakes will take it, sensing movement. It's disgusting how he shoots squirrels with a pellet gun to feed it to them. Shot through all three sections of our immigrant neighbor's inflatable pool because their child was too loud.

They escaped a warzone and wound up in a worse position being next to my father. And he says I'm 35. Get a job. Do you even acknowledge whst you've done? Truly, I will be the only one who spends time with him in Heaven, because I choose to be better than my father before me and would never throw him away. His day will come. The trumpets will bring his walls down and he will be defenseless against himself. He will see himself objectively, and thus "the last will be first and the first will be last."