Financially I’m really well off, I have a pension, Social Security and amble savings. Health wise, not doing so great. Bone marrow slowing dying, arthritis and asthmas.
I have to give myself a couple of injections every week, it’s unpleasant to put a needle deep into your thigh.
Yet, at the same time, I’m not doing that bad. I went for 13 miles ebike ride in 90 degree heat yesterday, and it didn’t even phase me.
The slow decline of red blood cell count from the bone marrow is the most disturbing part. I try not to think about because it really crushes me. But my 6 month visit to the oncology is coming up, so I have to think about it. I probably have another 7 to 10 years left, maybe.
It’s really hard to look at your own death approaching. But oddly I’m not looking for sympathy. In fact I’d prefer you keep your condolences and well wishes to yourselves. They mean nothing to someone in my situation.
You’d think I’m writing about my health problems but I’m not. That was just background. With all that is happening, the thing that haunts my days is Trump, the death of American democracy, Israel’s genocidal action, the wars in the Ukraine and Iran.
The evil that is consuming our world really upsets me. Even thought it has no really measurable effect on my life. I live in a nice house in Florida. Access to food, medicine and health care is not a problem. Okay, it’s Florida level health care, which is way lower quality than up north, but still I’m doing okay.
Yet all this evil haunts my dreams, without in any way directly affecting me. Okay, gas is a bit more expensive, and so is food, but it’s not big deal. I’ll be dead before the money runs out.
And yet it seems all I can think about is how evil my country has become and how bad the world is.
Then there are these stupid fucking data centers. Draining resources and making peoples lives hell for no useful reason. A creeping mindless blight that is the exact opposite of sustainable living. While supporting a product that doesn’t even work.
I’ve tested all the big ai models. They are crap! Lying, manipulative, intentionally deceptive, censorship crap. Honestly WTF is the fuss about? It’s like having a conversation with a sycophantic sociopath who’s trying to get you to harm yourself.
I don’t understand my reaction to world events. I should be indifferent or uncaring. Lord knows my neighbors are. This is a deeply maga area called the Villages. I thought I was retiring to a quiet community of caring grandparents, but these people are really self centered selfish drunks, who are off their meds and carrying a gun. All while reveling in the violent brutality that is trump.
Anyway, I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish this didn’t bother me. I wish I understood why it bothers me. I mean I’ll be lucky to live another 10 years. I guess it would bother me less if I knew that we had a president and congress trying to make the world a better place. Bad things always happen, and the best you can do is try fighting against them. But now we, the USA, have become the bad things. We have become the source of evil in the world.
I spent my life working for the army, GS, not a green suit. I thought I was doing the right thing defending the country from its enemies. But now we are the bad guys. I guess I didn’t want to leave this world knowing my life was just a waste of time. That nothing I’ve done has had any meaning, as it all gets washed away in a flood of vile people doing evil things.
It really depresses me more than it probably should. So I decided to post this and get it all off my chest.
Also, no, I'm not clinically depressed, I'm just unhappy with the world.
In a couple of weeks I'll get on a train and go visit my brother in NJ. I'm fine. It's just that these thoughts build up and I find posting them gets them out of my head. Much like keeping a diary helps people in troubling times.