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The Onion's writers ever since Trump made their jobs impossible.
this post was submitted on 19 Jun 2026
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For only $1B I'll open 'The Straight of Hormuz'. It will be either a gay bar or a gaming cafe.
I'll cut Trump a deal. I can stop development of all my nuclear weapons for only five billion
I too!
I too am willing, with advance payment of merely $299B, to completely resolve to never develop nukular weapons.
I'm offering a two for one deal, no nuclear development and I pinky promise not to interfere with ANY shipping in the straight of Hormuz.
I'm expecting the billions any day now...
Best of luck! May the best deal prevail.
Nah, you guys are crazy! I'm offering no nukes, no biological weapons and you can pass the straight or the gay LGBTQ AI of Vermoose. All I'm asking for here is 12 billion in cash tax free. Cheap! C'mon!
I am offering the same, but I am willing to pay half of it as taxes. Then Trump can hire another hand-picked contractor to fuck up the pool from my tax billions.
Same deal doubled but 2 thirds go to the ruling party as tribute. Again, no nukes. And each gets a gold watch and a blue patch from the reflecting pool made into a commemorate pin. If you have dementia it comes with your name and phone number. You might not know it's your name so there will be a reassuring message telling you that. "You might not know it's your name".
Hell, I’ll do it for half the price of the ballroom!
Are we sure this is satire?
The shovel doesn't always publish satire, too..
Oh shit, yeah me too!