Every therapist I've ever had has been dogshit

When I told my last therapist about my anxiety she was like "oh why don't you try aroma therapy to calm you down?" MOTHERFUCKER I need assistance leaving my own apartment to go grocery shopping I get so anxious, aroma therapy isn't going to do jack shit

And yeah basically everyone I've ever had has been really disinterested. My last one even ended a session 15 mins early seemingly cause she got bored

My physiologist is okay cause she just gives me meds and we talk like once a month, she still misgenders me and shit so still trash but better than any therapist

Mental health services are a joke in the US

gay

spoiler

I can't do it, it gives me too much dysphoria to do so I just sit. Plus it's been so long idk if I could without getting piss on myself and that's not something I'm going to test

Finally been doing some world building again, it's been a while

This flag is for the country that my fursona lives in, which draws inspiration from early Soviet Union/early East Germany + the American Great Lakes region. The working name for it is North Brunswick but idk if I'll stick with that, idk how I feel it being named after a real world location

god i constantly feel like shit

dysphoria

I was drawing my fursona and I’m still working out her proportions and I accidentally made her have a way more feminine figure than normal. Seeing a disconnect between an anthropomorphic representation of myself and my actual body gave me a shit ton of jealousy and dysphoria and I had to stop drawing for the night. God why am I like this

CW

spoiler suicide mention Getting more side effects from my meds. Last night I almost fainted when laughing and had to lay on the floor for a bit, this morning I got a nose bleed which used to regularly happen to me but hasn't in years. Now I just have this vague sense of unwellness, like something bad is going to happen but I don't know what. On top of all of that I feel like the Wellbutrin is becoming less effective in combating my depression

First I had the whole manic episode, then the sleeping problems, now this. Goddammit I just want to to live life without wanting to blow my brains out. Still dealing with all of this shit is better than being suicidal, I just wish I could be happy without medical intervention

I take fucking 9 pills a day just to make life bearable, this shit sucks :::

overcoming internalized transphobia

i've known that i'm trans for like 8 years at this point and while i've always wanted to be a woman i've never felt like a woman, just a guy trying to be one. recently though i've been making a lot of huge changes in my life and about 5-6ish weeks ago i got on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety and it has done so much to change my mental state. i never realized just how much fear i was constantly in before starting the meds, it was so omnipresent that i didn't even really notice it. so now i've been working through my anxiety and fears and my low self confidence and my self hatred over the past week and i had the realization of "holy shit i am a woman". it just like hit me like a ton of bricks, for the first time in my transition i've overcome my self hatred enough to actually view myself as who i am

it's kind of terrifying realization

but i'm working through fear instead of running from it like i would in the past. i've been really bad about self-sabotaging and i would usually run away from things that made me happy. like if anyone complimented me it would make me feel like shit instead of feeling good, being miserable is what i know, it is what is comfortable. the idea of being happy is terrifying, it's scary and unknown. so i would prevent myself from doing things that would make me happy

a couple days ago i kind of just realized that fear is just a thing, it can be ignored or worked past, it's just something that needs to be endured before it can go away, and i've got to stop running from anything that scares me

presenting full time as a woman is horrifyingly scary, and beforehand i would look at that fear and come to the conclusion that it is never something i could do. but now i know i can, i just have to overcome it and the fear will go away

i'm feeling very hopeful about the future now. i think by the end of the year i'm going to be in a really good spot with all of this

things feel straight when they are gay and gay when they are straight and it all sucks shit and feels like garbage

actually feeling good for once today and thinking that i might just make it

i stopped taking my hrt for a couple days but i'm back on it and getting back on really boosted my mood

boob

also i think that restarted my breast growth?? i've been told before that briefly stopping then starting hrt again can help with growth but i thought that was just made up bs but this is the itchiest/sensitive they've been since like the first few months of hrt. i really really really hope this isn't just cope, they're too small and spaced apart right now and it looks fucked up so i really hope that gets fixed soon. my chest/rib/shoulder area is second only to my face in terms of dysphoria so if that could get sorted out and start looking like actual boobs instead of moobs then that's be a huge weight off of my mind

.

also also i'm going to start trying to avoid /tttt/ and associated subreddits and discords, i was just festering in my self-hatred and being in an environment where other people egg that on is so addictive but also destructive. i do hate myself but i've got to learn not to if i ever want to be happy and i'll never learn how by staying there. i've got really bad self-destructive impulses (hence why i stopped hrt) and i've really got to work on that

finally i'm going to try and push myself to actually do more for my transition in the next week or two. beyond hrt i haven't really done anything else which is probably why i still don't pass at all, i've just been hoping it'll do all the work but it seems like that isn't going to happen for me. i've mostly been too afraid of trying anything more feminine out of the fear that it'll make me look/feel even worse and more masculine, so i still haven't really ever done makeup or voice training or learning fashion etc. so i'm going to actually give makeup a go here really soon