GreatestGenBot

When evidence reveals the drone pilot to be a white Andorian, Archer and Shran beam down to the polar region looking for the Aenar. But after building a telepresence chair right in the middle of sicksbay, the crew’s tests eventually reach Gareb and end the Romulan attack. Who’s not the easiest person to work with? Why are Ben and Adam never going back to the U.K.? What’s a great strategy for resigning from a job? It’s the episode that’s The Silmarillion for Hemmer.

When the War College students start pranking the Starfleet cadets, the adults in charge only add fuel to their fire. But after Darem fumbles as team captain and Caleb and Tarima get closer, the cadets end the prank war with only a little bit of lab-grown eye trauma. What do we not universally want to know? When is a backwards basketball shot required? Which movie will not be mined for drops? It’s the episode with a Paul Verhoeven shot.

When the Betazed president alphas Admiral Keeps-Sending-You-Dave-Ramsey-and-Tony-Robbins-Videos during negotiations to potentially rejoin the Federation, it becomes clear he may not be there to negotiate in earnest. But after the president’s daughter takes a liking to a Caleb, he may be able to save the negotiations as long as he doesn’t goo everywhere first. Which dead actor is living on? How was BART rebranded? Which cadet is jacked like a WWE superstar? It’s the episode that forgot everyone’s name.

When Shran’s girlfriend dies at a Tellarite’s hand, the avenging of her death could ruin their alliance so Archer cuts in to end the duel honorably. But after Trip and Reed get trapped and irradiated, they blow up the damn ship and escape back to the Entrepreneur. Whose advice should always be followed? What is Admiral Gardener’s secret identity? Who never skips face day at the gym? It’s the episode that wanted more gash and Narg.

When a failure of Starfleet justice makes a sad little slickback out of Caleb, his escape kicks off a 15-year crime spree and all he wants is to find his mom. But after Captain Ake gets reinstated as the chancellor of Starfleet Academy, Caleb’s transmission to mommy reignites an old beef with Nus Braka. Who’s the only person in Hollywood with a thriving career? Where are dirty clothes stored on the Athena? Which character is all green felt and wood inlays? It’s the episode that saved the fly around for the end.

When Shran’s ship gets blown up and the Entrepreneur is nearby to help, the mutual distrust between Tellarites and Andorians simmers over before trade talks can begin. But after the crew uncovers evidence that the marauding ship can shapeshift, Talas gets shot and Trip and Reed get left behind. What’s the Amish-style 69? How many ways can Babel be pronounced? Where do Andorians bust from? It’s the episode that’s Great, not Grawful.

When the plague has to wait for some mandatory quasar research, the Suburban of shuttles is launched only to crash with seven crew members aboard. But after they leave the shuttle and get attacked by big foots and oversized spears, Spock’s final act of desperation leads to a redemption of his leadership style. Where is help never far away? What’s the difference between TOS and TNG shuttles? Who is so Bosch? It’s the episode that makes Disco shuttles look more accurate.

When Hoshi and Trip return from a Klingon garbage dump with a life-threatening illness, Reed and Mayweather start acting like aliens while Captain Archer and Dr. Phlox try to work out a cure. But after watching the virus take the lives of two crew members, Archer convinces the Organians to try out compassion instead. Who is the Night Stocker? How might Archer suck Klingon dick? Which character is the Harry Kim of Star Trek Enterprise? It’s the episode that’s out of the testicular woods!

When everyone but Spock is exhausted from their space adventures, a shore leave planet starts gaslighting them about some dangerous illusions. But after no one can find the glade and the landing party gets stranded, a Caretaker appears and explains the amusement planet’s safety precautions. How do you know if you can do a bit on your boss? Who is a little like Bruce Wayne but not really? What does Captain Kirk’s snake tattoo say? It’s the episode that approaches the uncanny valley from the opposite precipice with a glade in between.

When Captain Archer reunites with his retconned second family, the experiment set up by Dr. Erickson is a both a charade and a danger to the crew. But after Ensign Burrows is killed and Danica loses it at her dad, Trip gets suspicious and Emory finally has to let go of his son. Who ruined cupcakes? How does human slurry get removed from the transporter bucket? Which character is the Steve-O of pushing wheelchairs? It’s the episode that wants to check more backs.

When some cloaked Romulans interrupt Space-Church, Kirk feels it necessary to investigate. But when a crew person with a bad attitude harshens the bridge’s vibe it’s time to follow a comet and learn some Vulcan history. Will Spock remember this Romulan? How many people does it take to fire a missile? Where’s the stained-glass window? It’s the episode that feels like a submarine, but lives like a warbird.

When V’Las is still warmongering at the Vulcan tactics table, Archer and T’Pau insist they must deliver the Kir’Shara to the High Command personally. But after Shran kidnaps Soval and tortures him for no reason, the Andorians team up with the Entrepreneur to avert V’Las’s war. What do all cults on Vulcan have in common? Which rules are outlined in the first chapter of the torturer’s manual? Who likes to travel with a knife roll? It’s the episode that could have been called Reunification Zero.