I'm gonna guess the original version of this joke said "crashed" instead of "fell over", cause then it would actually be ambiguous enough for the premise to work.

It's on you for hiring catgirls and thinking they would clean. Obviously all they're going to do is knock your shit off your desk. You should have hired a...I dunno...bower birdgirl.

How about "it's easier then shaving everyday"?

You did something due to peer pressure at an age when kids are obsessed with fitting in. In the course of doing so, you realized it was wrong and you stopped. Even now, presumably years later, you still feel bad about it. I'd say you're good, every single one of us has done things (often involving inappropriate actions) we look back on and regret. You're fine.

Man obtains counterfeit head injury

followed soon after with "Hi, need answers fast this time, what are some clever ways you could hide from the cops?"

I wonder what their defense will be. "You said it would process in milliseconds, but it took hours to complete!!"

"Sure, it took hours...but it still happened in milliseconds, too..."

Outrage

I'd go with "Hey, it's God. I actually AM real, but I'm heading out. You guys are on your own from now on, no more afterlife or anything. So be good to each other! Alright, I'm out. (oh, and just some advice? you might want to get ahead of this climate change thing)"

I know this won't happen, but I really wish we could just all stop talking about him all together.

We know. Twitter had every right to perform this dick move. They did nothing technically wrong, in acting shitty to one of their users.

Hi, I was straight before I read this comic, but obviously it turned me gay. Can someone direct me to a straightening comic strip please? I need to undo this before my wife gets home in a couple hours.