dontblink

GNOME all the way

Yes you're probably right, I definitely have bias and the time spent tryna fix the bug influenced this..

Thanks

I know some basic Rust (currently at chapter 9) and a little bit of JavaScript.

I'm trying to work with headless CMSs and that requires some understanding on how APIs work..

Even tho I wouldn't want to stick with JS, I don't really want to dig into frameworks and dependency hells.

But I like the concept and I need to build a site that grabs some data from an external api, so a headless cms would be my choice to grab the data and structure them there in order to be rendered later in something like a static site generator (I'm quite good at Hugo). Or will learn some basic React and try to build a template on my own there...

I know what you mean.. I'm always thorn between having to see the news to get updated and not wanting to..

I love cooking as well!! Tho lately have had less energy to do so, but I loved my last year self which would cook very good food almost every day!

As for me my main coping is doing lots of sports as usual, this week I've swam almost daily and I've been to play volleyball with a couple of friends, which felt super good! I'm also starting to look around for potential people I might like (it's still to early for me and I can feel it but it's good to have some curiosity at least).

Also I have some good news from my job (I will no longer need to work full day!).

Still having bad thoughts but they are less and definitely more manageable now, I'm kinda starting to build a sense now that I'm slowly getting trust back on myself and others. But it's indeed still hard and still a long road!

Have a good cooking session and a nice weekend!! Feel free to reach back whenever you want to!

Thank you so much!!! I will!

The last days are being better.

How are you?

By the way if you also ever feel the need to talk or to just vent I'll be there for you as well, okay?

My god you're being so sweet that my eyes are full of tears right now.. I really wish there was more people like you, someone who is there to listen and just give you kind words.. Thank you, thank you so much!

I feel like I'm definitely more willing to accept myself, or at least to do the best I can to feel better.

The thing helping me the most with dissociation is definitely microdosing, I don't remember if I mentioned it in the previous message but I did it for 2 years, than stopped, then started again a few weeks ago. It definitely helped me with being present in the moment, and turned me outwards rather than inwards when I'm with people. It's like it puts me in a "nonjudgmental" state of mind: I can have a shitty day, which usually would lead me into closing down and dissociating, but when I microcose it's like it keeps a door open for the things happening outside. Yes I can still feel like shit, and if I just go home and keep doing stuff that makes me feel worse, I will feel worse, but if for some reason I happen to be out and meet some friends, for example, I can just be there in the moment and understand what's going on, have a laugh, be there, feel normal. It's like it doesn't remove the feeling bad part, but it also leaves some space to the feeling good one. And I found that if it happens long enough, I just have to support the feeling good with the right decisions.

It's different from antidepressants: they just make you feel generally better whatever you do, both if you go home and binge eat your whole fridge, and if you're out with friends having an healthy and nice evening. I feel like microcosing is more helpful in making you understand what you actually need.

But also my experience with SSRIs is not that big, it's just a consideration.

It's definitely hard if you feel bad, than you keep feeling far away even in good situations, your mind feels like it's stuck in fear and chaos. When I broke up (wasn't microcosing) I did the best I could to accept, think and process the pain, but it just never stopped, whatever I did, for months. It expanded in every part of my life until I also lost the ability to enjoy pleasurable situations because I was numb and dissociated. And feeling like that was the normal thing for me until I was 22/23 or something, going out with friends felt like a duty more than something I could enjoy.

It's so true, once you decide to numb yourself from the pain, you just cut out happiness too, it's just a wide filter that wants to protect you.

But I've read in a book talking about trauma where the hypotesis of dissociation as a way to defend you from the pain was contested. The author says that dissociation main target is not actually defending you from pain: that is a secondary part which also usually fails actually, because the experience of dissociation is painful and scaring itself. Dissociation is the result of the meeting of parts of your brain which shouldn't have a contact with each other (like the need for attachment to members of the same species and the defense from predators). it is a disintegrations of consciousness, literally a broken circuit that the brain is not prepared to handle, and like a computer with a broken program, what the brain does is to shut down the system. Actually, he says, the brain feels the need to defend the body from the experience of dissociation itself, that's why we feel we want to step out from it and avoid it rather than using it as a crutch to ease pain!

In other styles of attachment, like the avoiding one, the brain actually succeeds in defending the body from pain by keeping people at distance for example. But in the dishorganized one, dissociation is the way attachment is managed, it's not just an insecure attachment, is the attachment itself that is broken.

I feel it's so good from you to be going in therapy to better deal with your son, and also definitely a very good thing you talked him about the bad sides of the porn industry and the potential for addiction, I wish someone did that for me when I was younger, and I also wish I could find someone supporting me with that, as you did with that man "you're not gonna watch porn if you are with me"..

Of course my porn addiction is something I wanna deal with, I've been trying to stop for 10 years! But what I've found out is that what prevents me to do it is these difficulties dealing with people.. The opposite of addiction is connection (and this is especially true for porn), but when connections are so painful it's so hard to say "this is gonna be my new life" and stick to it. I found out that in order to quit porn I have to aid my attachment.. But I'm to a point where I think I might prefer to take drugs but being with people if it facilitates it rather than being closed down and watching porn, this very solitary drug.

I read a ton about it and about the digital world in general, I ended up being a digital minimalist, and the only reason I still have an internet connection at home is because my family wants it, I would have banned it years ago.

I just can't help myself noticing how several people (like my ex) navigates relationships in a easier way, don't feel such a strong pressure when it comes to everything involved like competition, jealousy etc.. they can have relationships with many people, they can enjoy sex much more, we broke up and she already is in another relationship, while for me it's been months since I felt like even touching someone in a flirty way. And whenever I would be with one, I would probably feel numb and detached, because a part of me really doesn't want to be there at all.. But of course, since of course we were really similar, she had her own way to cut down pain: she was a heavy drinker and did drugs very often.. It's just that at least she could be physically with people at least this way...

The more I watch porn the more I feel sexually detached and (also physically) numb. But the more I seek attachment the more scared I become because all a new shitty world starts to come out, but the less numb I feel and I can try to rely less on porn.

That's why I think help groups like AA wouldn't help me that much, I focused a lot just on "quitting porn" itself, but it doesn't bring me anywhere unless I learn how to be with others in the first place, which is far more scary because it means it will take way more time and effort.

I feel like I cannot be with someone and really really liking her unless I live in a situation of insecurity and chaos mostly.

The people I've fell the most with were always people who would be very present and then very distant, and also kind of evil towards me, all of a sudden, or dangerous ones. My ex would say she would come living near me, and 5 minutes later she would say I had been too much at her place and she was starting to get tired of me. She kept me in this pendulum of super strong love (she said things nobody ever said to me) and super strong rejection.

She could say "I'm here for you" and then say "I didn't want to say I'm there for you, it's just dumb and you have to deal with yourself on your own".

Which of course kept me in the middle, and of course being in the middle means dissociation: she even triggered an intense episode once where I would feel out of my body, I felt like I was floating somewhere else, and everything around me, even her, was fake and distant, I felt like our bodies were just two big bags filled with sand. I had cried all night long, shifting from hating her so much I would take my stuff and go away and feeling the need to hug her the strongest I could, then at one point I stopped: I couldn't cry anymore, I couldn't feel, I couldn't do or think about doing, everything around me didn't have a meaning anymore, I was just turned off.

I would say it was somehow relieving from what I felt all the hours before, but it was also scary as fuck, I really felt like I was out of my mind. I thought:"shit this isn't normal, with this I've broken something, I've gone were most people would never go in all their lives, I don't think others feel like this in relationships, I feel like I'm on a drug".

I think there's a very clear reason if I'm attracted to these kind of people.. It's because I'm like them.. Another girl claimed the same with me, that I could feel very near, and then very distant all of a sudden or even just bad at her.

I think avoid dating is a great advice too, but also I'm so tired of being alone, I've spent so much time away from people and not enjoying my sexuality that the thought of being like that for even another month is unbearable. I've spent my adolescence and part of my twenties without being able to fully enjoy my sexuality, with having sexual experiences where I would feel numb, I hardly could even orgasm at times. With my ex I learned I can feel and I can be sexually present, and now I don't wanna hold myself back anymore. I want that.

If that means I would have to numb myself in other ways to be with people it's okay for me, I just cannot stand to be sexually numb anymore, or to isolate.

Switching my addiction to something else seems more doable than getting a real cure right now, but that's not of course what I want. I would want to just be fine...

You're right, the road is long, I just hope I can find my right way of being, but as soon as I feel stronger and I find myself in front of something difficult I just fall down again.. Everyrhing gets just too ontense. So a part of me doesn't even wanna try being stronger. Maybe therapy + microcosing will help me again in that, maybe macrodosing with a therapist would help me find a new faith and to actually be resilient to defend it, maybe changing my job will put me in a better place, maybe living on my own can also give me more tools, I really hope so!

I've written a lot. Thank you so much again for your words and your presence, you helped me.

Thank you so much for this.

I also feel I resonate a lot, I also have a similar feeling for pharmaceutical because my mother have been on SSRIs for years which made me want to avoid those kind of medicines in all ways.

I do also microcose, I've done it for 2 years and it helped last time alongside therapy. Now I recently restarted and it does help but I feel like the problems are definitely more rooted than what a microdose can solve on its own.

But I hate having to need this stuff, I hate having to need a therapist, and I hate that 5 years of therapy didn't "repair" me at all.

Actually I don't take drugs that often, all the year round I'm a healthy freak because I do whatever I can to maintain my mental health, and I hate seeing that this isn't enough. And by this I mean swimming 2/2.5km 3/4 days a week and doing yoga 1/2 times a week + cycling almost every day to work. I hate seeing that if I miss a day, I'm at risk of making the whole castle crumble down.

But when I do, I can very easily lose control, that's why I stopped drinking when I was 19.. For me drinking == being hopelessly drunk.. I can manage psychedelics definitely better, but benzos are the same as alcohol if not worse. My therapist suggested me to take xanax "at need" and 5 days later I tried to kill myself with it.

But of course I also have my very own kind of drug and my sexual addiction, which completely destroys my will to be with others at times, my sex drive, my phisical ability to bond, gave me ED, and it definitely facilitates isolation.

It feels bad hearing about what happened to you and to your friend, it must feel terrible to lose someone important all of a sudden. I had a cousin dying for heroin. The "irony" is that both of her parents (my uncle and my aunt) were psychotherapists.

I had my old therapist threatening me with a TSO (obligatory sanitary treatment) when I admitted I wanted to kill myself. I know what it can feel like to face the possibility of being taken away by an ambulance, even tho I of course cannot know how it feels because I never experienced it.

In my own head my childhood was always a great childhood, that's why I didn't understand why I have symptoms which resonates with people with cptsd, I think maybe that wasn't so great after all.. Maybe I tried to hide it? My brother turned out to be looking fine, he can study at university and work, but he is also doing drugs (coke included) periodically.

I sometimes think I'm just a vicious child who never grew up, being morphed by being the stupid nerd I was when I was younger and never developing social skills. But there must be a reason why for me it was so hard even after trying so much, why relationships can feel so painful and hard. Why I've always felt like I was "external" to social situations and people around me felt fake all the time, why sometimes I felt outside of my body, why sometimes I would freeze, why sometimes being so angry I can break stuff..

Yes it's crazy for me as well to think there are people who never thought of killing themselves, it's just like they got a free winning lottery ticket.. For long times in my life I felt it was something normal, that I was just not adapting enough to these kind of thoughts. But yeah even if you consider the lack of purpose in our society, all the issues etc I don't see everyone wanting to kill themselves.

For psychedelics healing I know there's a good evidence for them working well in therapeutic contexts, I will see if I can recover the relationship with my therapist and do that with her.. Otherwise I will try to find someone else.

It's just that I don't want to deal with this anymore, not just feel better: feeling like I'm in control, and then be taken down again and again.. I want this to end.. And it's encouraging when you see people who say a single intentional LSD trip helped them stop smoking or something like this completely after years, or something similar..

I know maybe I'm just overly attached to this, but the alternative (having to accept myself as I am and living with it) it's really too painful, too much.. And I do not want to be in therapy for 40 years as well..

Thank you thank you so much for replying to me, you've been more helpful than my therapist, it's good to talk with someone who understands.

Thank you so much, the funny thing is that all the year round usually I,'m an healthy freak, hitting the pool 4 times a week, doing yoga and cycling to work everyday, sometimes I run, eat an healthy vegetarian diet..

But as I said if I derail, I derail really a lot and everything gets completely stripped out of me.

I did the same, but for whatever reason it never seems to stick for me, I always get to a point in which I'm a train completely incapable of escaping and controlling certain feelings. It's not just that I was depressed once, helped myself out, came out stronger and now I know how to be out of it, it's mostly that I can get depressed periodically, super skilled on getting out, but then falling right back into it, which means restarting everything again, my whole identity gets destroyed and I end up not knowing who I am. Which means it requires every single time a super harsh work which I'm tired of doing. That's why I attempted taking my life yestarday...

How did you do?

I've been in therapy 5 years and it did nothing

Anyway I'm still alive after xanax+lexotan+ketamine+alcohol

Just nauseated and with a long lasting hiccup and sadness for being still alive

I think essentially I would like to achieve something like this