drbollocks

at around 16ftm, i had a group of online friends i interacted with. i also showed a lot of signs of bipolar and still do.

my one friend ryan (17m) told me to shut the fuck up, stop complaining, “just get help already” (i had therapy) and said people with mental illness were just burdens.

ryan also seemed hypocritical to me because he would say things like that but would also CONSTANTLY talk about how depressed he was and that life is just suffering, etc.

he then told me his behavior towards me was because he takes the “tough love” approach. he also proceeded to ghost me and made excuses for his behavior because of his depression, which he also said was tough love.

furthermore, i had a few online friends (19m, 23m, 30m?)

19m was just a friend of my friend (who also happens to be my ex, at the time 17m)

23m had common interests like games and tv shows with me

30m was someone i occasionally talked to, neurodivergent and didn’t have many friends nor knew how to make any. i was the only person he talked to and i would draw for him due to him not having time to do it himself.

ryan and his friends told me i was being sa’d, in fact, severely so, but i was too naive and liked them too much to realize and that it was their job as friends to protect me.

this gave me an extreme breakdown as they repeatedly shamed me for who i interacted with, didn’t really care about what i had to say sometimes, and accused random people of being sa’d when i have actually BEEN sa’d in the past.

i told them i don’t need them to take care of me as i could control who i talked to and if any of them tried anything like that, i’d block them.

be it romantic, friendly, or even sexual harassment, my abuser said i wasn’t even good enough to be sexually harassed.

that i’m autistic and therefore less than human, an animal, a child. i shouldn’t have relationships as a “child” and i’m not even attractive enough or deserving of being kissed, touched, or pat on the shoulder in a friendly gesture.

that i never had to worry abt sexual harassment because i was that gross and autistic.

you don’t deserve an ounce of my respect, love, or sympathy.

you hurt me for so long for years and triggered my ptsd. i hate you and people should stop sympathizing with you and feeling bad for you.

I HATE YOU. I NEVER WANNA FUCKING SEE YOU AGAIN. PEOPLE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT HOW HARSH I WAS TO YOU BUT YOU FUCKING SUCK. YOU VILE SCUM OF THE EARTH.

YOU DON’T DESERVE THE SMALLEST MEASUREMENT OF MY KINDNESS OR MERCY OR ANYTHING.

YOU SEE ME AS LESS THAN HUMAN AND WANT TO HURT ME. YOU MAKE MY DISABILITY MY WHOLE IDENTITY. YOU SAY I’M RETARDED. YOU CALL ME TOO DISGUSTING TO BE ATTRACTIVE OR HAVE PHYSICAL AFFECTION SHOWN TO ME.

YOU’RE FIXATED ON INTERACTING WITH MY FRIENDS AND TRY TO BRAINWASH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR OBLIVIOUS BRAINS. YOU SAY NICE PEOPLE ARE EASY TARGETS BECAUSE THEY’RE STUPID. YOU SAY I’M TOO NICE. YOU PRAISE ME THEN DISCARD ME.

I’M TIRED OF TRYING TO SEE THE GOOD IN YOU. I. DON’T. CARE IF YOU HAD A BAD FUCKING DAY BECAUSE YOU’RE ABUSIVE AND YOU DON’T’ ABUSE PEOPLE ON BAD DAYS. WHAT IF YOU BEAT ME TO A PULP. “BAD DAY” HUH?

i think of how an abusive bully might see a dog and how it’s comparable to how they see me. weak, submissive, “stupid”, loves the person no matter what and obedient till the end.

to them, at least, i’ll always be seen as stupid for my kindness. a (r-slur) less than human.

a child mentally much younger than 18 despite acting my age and functioning as someone my age.

i have ptsd and some of her behavior triggers it. not only is part of my trauma being repeatedly discriminated against but shes repeatedly done this for years after i formed a bond and later a trauma bond with her.

no more chances. i hate her. she doesn’t deserve an ounce of my forgiveness or love or empathy. she refuses to change. she abused me for years.

i hope she suffers from guilt or consequences for years.

if i have any sort of interest in anything, be it a tv show, motivation for a project, a collection, etc. even if i only mention it once, i’m suddenly obsessed.

i should just give up if my plan involves many steps.

i’ve been treated badly by a “friend” for years but i’m still tempted to stay due to having a trauma bond i’m trying to break off. i mentioned once what they said to me (which is what they said in a previous post) and one of my family members said i was obsessed with them and to “just not be upset”, “why was i so insecure”, “i wasn’t abused”, etc.

i can’t mention anything to this person without him making a comment and then he asks why i don’t talk to him

i have two friends who i’ve known since my freshman year, i’ll call them e and k. of course, since i’ve known them for so long, i’ve trusted them with a certain thing: i’m autistic.

however, e and k (especially e), although usually nice people who include me and stuff, i feel like they just pity me and tend to make autism my entire identity.

i understand that both girls didn’t grow up with many friends due to being seen as “strange”, and are therefore quite cynical and lost hope about people.

in sophomore year when i confessed that i liked e: “sorry, i’m not into your kind of people.”

“how come people absolutely despise [me]? she’s so nice but people hate her for having tics and being autistic.”

“don’t be friends with them! they hate you, you know because they think you’re ret4rded.”

she’s gotten nicer now, and i know that e and k were trying to be nice about it and less blunt (that’s what they said and that they were quoting them, not saying so themselves), but i also don’t get (unless they overheard) how these people are comfortable talking to them about it.

what i’m more upset about, though, is the fact that so many people apparently think of me as just a “ret4rded kid” and nothing more despite being in multiple honors classes (all honors, in fact, since 8th grade).

my friends are mostly nice people, although obviously negative without many friends. they constantly have to bring up me having autism or being the r-slur when something comes up.

they tell me not to be friends with certain people, not to hang out with them and make more friends because “they hate me, they see me as subhuman because im autistic”.

my one friend, j (18m) has autism and needs more support than i do. he, however, tells me no one hates me except for certain bullies who have talked behind our backs, but have also talked behind like 98% of people they know’s.

the first friend i mentioned says people will continue to hate me for as long as i’m in special ed (“sp3d” and “ret4rded”) and that if i truly want to be liked, i should stop spending time with j because he’s “slow” and “severely autistic”.

she also says “I don’t wanna judge and hate autistic people but I do 🤭” but uses the “i have adhd, bipolar, anxiety, ptsd, etc!” excuse.

the odd thing is that i’m in advanced classes (all honors) but i’m being considered “slow”, which i said, but she replied with “well I don’t think you are! they do though!”

if people are actually nice to me, she says “well, they’re actually bullies but they have to be nice to autistic kids.”

she could be truthful and looking out for me, or be looking out for me with a despairing view (no hope for others)

and the thing i’m upset about the most is that people that aren’t j or them hate me because IM autistic. im in honors but still seen as slow. j is very smart but seen as slow. yes, i can see why people wouldn’t like the fact that he’s eccentric or socially awkward, but you should never assume he’s slow, especially when he’s highly intelligent.

this has been on my mind a bit, especially as someone who’s faced discrimination their whole life for being autistic.

this, however, goes back to fourth grade. i was 9 & 10. my school social worker was named mrs. h, and she acted a lot like a high school “mean girl”.

my dad called her bipolar once due to the fact that she’d be aggressive and rude one day, and perfectly cheerful the next.

sadly, i never spoke to s again, but i was once placed in a group with her. nothing ever bad happened with her, except for when she said she didn’t like talking about my interests but mrs. h wanted me to listen to hers. i later found out s didn’t even care if she heard about my interests but mrs. h told her to say she didn’t like it.

i found out that s didn’t even like mrs h because she apparently threatened s to say things that were untrue and harmful, and made her (an 11 year old) cry for not wanting to.

afterwards, i was in a group with r, t, and z. i only currently know t because neither r nor z go here.

i always had these ideas for hangouts with the three so i could make friends during weekly lunch groups with mrs. h, but they’d always be like “nooo… i don’t really want to.” or what z said: “yeah but other people would be left out if only us 4 hung out” (despite the fact that z & t always hung out).

mrs. h would then be like “looks like they don’t wanna hang out with you,” and shrug

I don’t quite remember what r did, but she was constantly rude. then she’d smile at me and want to hang out.

there were several times mrs. h defending my being bullied, said being hit by bullies was “ok”. i also have a history of going on online chat rooms at age 7-8, and every day i was convinced being harassed by those predators was my fault. a crime. after all, it was just like mrs. H and everyone said: i did this to myself and therefore deserved my trauma.

she asked me once “does anyone in your family drink?”

i said: “my dad has a bottle of beer every so often with dinner.”

when i came home, my family was angry and told me “mrs. h called and said you told her your whole family was in rehab.”

i, of course, never said this.

in lunch groups, she would also get mad at me for stimming and wouldn’t let me speak to others, constantly interrupting me and punishing me for speaking when she’d let other kids speak.

my friends tell me stuff like: “No, you can’t be friends with these people!”

when i ask why, they say it’s because they hate me secretly and don’t want me around because i have autism.

when they’re actually being nice to me, then they say “oh yeah, they’re only being nice to you because they pity you. they want to feel good about themselves so they’re nice to the ‘(r-word)’ kid in special ed”.

and it makes me wonder if it’s because they’re looking out for me and they’re either very negative, being truthful and everyone really does see me as “less than human” and are only nice because im autistic, or they’re being mean.

me and ex have dated for around 11 months. I broke up with her because she would only spend time on video games and her friends.

she was hardly ever online and when she was, never spoke to me.

she lost interest in me and was seeing other ppl without my knowledge or consent. it turned out, she didn’t even have feelings for me.

she also used to be incredibly abusive, homophobic, transphobic, even racist (which is why I broke up the first time) but is now suddenly a huge lesbian rights supporter (I’m proud of her growth though).

even when I speak in the GC, they all just talk to each other, ignore my messages, and talk about their video games, tv show, etc.

like, if anyone (especially my ex) says something, her friends will be like “OMG SO TRUE THATS HILARIOUS” but talk over me.

my ex will somewhat talk to me, but her friends will act like I don’t exist

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/24841113

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