Blocking is where you get a knit item wet and then pin it in the shape you want. The water makes the masks (stitches? Idk the english term) more malleable, and then when they dry they will hold the shape they were pinned in (mostly).

You can re-block them if needed!

::: spoiler spoiler

You've actually made good progress on your own, you should feel proud and should identify this strength of yours for self-awareness.

I know what you mean, and i agree, but theres also that part of me saying, with a sardonic depressed tone, "i made good progress when I was 16. The more-than-a-decade since then has been me trying and failing to do anything about it (or anything at all really)"

And i do try to feel pride in the ways Im strong, but i often end up feeling terribly conceited for it yk?

Im really good at analyzing myself, at self-insight, at understanding the various internal processes occuring. But i cant make changes happen. Even when I know what to do, why it will work, and want to do it, i struggle to shift how I approach things, how I engage with things.

And like, ive done therapy, but not in a while and not cbt. Maybe something to look at, if i can ever figure out of health insurance and get some kind of job so I can afford it lol.

::: spoiler ignore me, im being weird or some shit.

You are worthy of love just FYI.

I know, and I am, its just hard to keep that internalized and axiomatic in the face of gestures vaguely at existence.

Part of the issue is that the unwantableness isnt the thought, its part of what the thought is predicated on. I rarely actively think im unworthy of something, its just reflected in my thoughts, if that makes sense. Like here my feeling was one of anxiety, of uncertainty; there was no thought. It wasnt until later that it clicked that this feeling was coming out of my struggling to be genuine with people, which itself comes out of my shapeshiftery masking to make people not hate me, and that comes out of my feeling of being unwantable. Its so far removed from my active thoughts that I dont know how to get to it, how to interrupt that process; i feel like I have to pull so many layers off to get to that axiom and question it and destroy it. And even then, it didnt arise out of nothing. It arose from social punishments meted out against me when I was a kid, from people leaving like they always do, from people being my friend out of pity, etc.

Idk, im mostly rambling at this point...

kinda sadposting

Really fighting the i am fundamentally unwantable thoughts today . Literally only because I felt awkward earlier while at a friends place and now im just holding back the flood of thoughts and ruminations and anxieties. I just want to be comfortable with my friends, but ive got too many maladaptive processes, and my maladaptive processes dont interface well with everyone elses (i guess thats part of why their maladaptive now and not just adaptive anymore...).

spoiler entertaining my ruminations

I have a really deep seated belief that i am unwantable . That any expression of wanting to be around me is a lie, or intended to be deceptive. I know its not true, but, well, under duress we regress . And when im stressed or anxious or feel awkward my ability to counter that thought goes out the window. Like its not even a thought, its axiomatic . And i cant seem to do anything about it! Im aware of it, i try to counter it by ignoring it, by ignoring my discomfort, but it never goes away, and I dont know what steps to take to change that process.

People ask me about it sometimes, but i just and tell them its nothing, im fine; I dont want to make my friends deal with my weird shit. Like, when im in these spaces I require an explicit "i want to spend time with you and will be sad if you leave " (yes the hug is included in the quotes, i require hugs) in order to not feel bad guilty and shameful for existing near my friends. But they shouldnt have to say that; i should be able to understand "feel free to hang out if you want" actually is an invitation, and not a thinly veiled attempt to get me to leave.

Fuck my brain

Here is a portrait I drew of me and my brain:

Terminal encounter has put it really well, but for me in my personal life i tend to think of it as: dysmorphia is when I cant see my body for what it is, dysphoria is when I can.

Like i get obsessive about my shoulders and ribcage. Yeah theyre on the larger side, but not abnormal for women. I often cant see this, and think my shoulders are massive, so i categorize it as dysmorphia.

I also get obsessive about my leg hair, but i dont see my legs as more hairy than they are. The issue there is that I see them for what they are and I dont like it, whereas my shoulders i see as larger than they are and dont like that.

Idk if thats helpful, its not a medical way to think about it, but its how i think about it in my life

::: spoiler imo Suffering doesnt make you better, help you heal, or make you more empathetic; suffering just means you suffer.

Cuteness is a state of mind

Oooh what kind of tape is it? The stuff i use is pretty rough on my skin

ty, i hate my brain sometimes, really wish i could be all like 24/7.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! People keep changing plans and its super overwhelming!!!!!!!! My fun family time has turned into me curling up and crying far away from everyone because the plans kept changing rapidly and everything was so confusing

emotional processing!

Anxiety is such a rough one, im glad you got some respite