peppersky

profit from every single piece of your existence

Nightreign is like kinda stressful as a game in a way no previous fromsoft game has been.

house md is television crack

Game does feel kinda "designed after industry trends" and one thing I did very much like about Fromsofts game so far was that they weren't as "progression/grind/run-based" as so many other games out there (like it's just not designed for you to play the same piece of game over and over again hoping for a random drop or something) and this seems to very much go into the opposite direction from that, but on the other hand, I do very much enjoy playing these games in coop (just this past weekend I did a dark souls 1 randomizer run with two friends) and the different characters and abilities and stuff all do seem pretty cool. Probably going to just be good mindless fun even if there's kind of a bad aftertaste. I just hope all these side projects let them really take their time with their next big RPG

billions upon billions of dollars for something every school kid figures out when building paper airplanes

As soon as we could measure attention, capitalism decided to sell it to the lowest bidder. It really shouldn't surprise anybody that kids growing up in an ever less-functional, less-rational world might get some weird ideas about how to survive within it. Things are changing and deteriorating at an ever faster pace, of course this is going to have an influence on people, and especially on younger people and kids.

Evry decade is the worst decade Safe for all the ones that come after it. That's just the logic of capitalism

Me too. People that aren't me preferably

I last wrote her Saturday evening at 7:30 pm. I'd expect a message either that same evening, Sunday morning or Sunday evening. Just doesn't seem like that much work to answer me just on what day we'll meet next week, especially since she knows this means a lot to me and I wanted to talk with her about my mental health and stuff. I genuinely couldn't imagine what she could write that I wouldn't want to answer basically immediately. For me it's not work to answer my friends messages. To think that she would even consider that work is breaking my heart.

The symptoms for BPD do feel like they describe me currently pretty well, but I've only felt this this intensely for like a few weeks. I moved into another place with roommates after living in an absolutely shitty place for three years and due to various factors, including one of those roommates having a serious drug psychosis, trashing the place and generally making live hell, the type of living together that I was looking for just hasn't manifested itself yet. Could something like that trigger BPD. I'm already in therapy for general depression and anxiety and I've often felt kinda lonely, but this all encompassing loneliness has only started since I moved.

I feel like I can intellectualize this stuff pretty well, like how friendships under capitalism become commodified and functionalized, how one compartmentalizes friends to manage risks (can't introduce your friends to other friends that might get weird), how high rent and having to live farther from the city makes real private moments together impossible, how one just becomes another appointment in your calendar. It just feels like lately I've completely lost my ability to regulate this stuff, like all this (and the general malaise of late stage capitalism) just adds up to me never being able to have real close friends ever again. I don't want to live a life like this.

edit: to add to the last point, it feels like I'd either need to be a much more outgoing and stable and likeable and privileged person to have the kinds of friendships that I'd actually find fulfilling and I'm just the farthest away from that that I've ever been or I'm going to have to kill the light inside me and just somehow deluded myself into being content with living half a life (this is seemingly what my oldest friend is currently doing, by his own admission, burying whatever problems he has inside and training himself to be more okay with being alone). I really really really don't want to do that.

I really really really don't feel like self-censoring myself in the closest relationships I have. I want to rip open my heart and let everything flow out freely. I know that doing that would be a stupid idea, but I want to have friendships that work like that. I want to have social bonds that are strong and not weak, where I do not constantly have to worry whether I feel too strong about them, where I can be sure that they prioritize me when I need them to. I'd like to be there for them too. I don't have any money when there's no social safety net your friends are the only thing you can have.

She knows I'm not doing well these last few weeks, that's what our last messages were about. I always answer any message I get basically immediately because I do not find these contacts to be a bother I find that enjoyable and because I'm very rarely too busy and do not get as many messages as I'd like anyway. I sometimes get jealous when I know she's doing shit without me and I'd really like for that not to be the case. Believe me I feel fucking terrible for feeling so fucking terrible about this. I'm already in therapy for depression and anxiety but this all encompassing feeling of loneliness has never been this strong.

Edit: I'm really struggling with not just writing her a message saying that I feel terrible when she's ignoring me when she knows I'm having a mental episode and that if she's already prioritizing other people and things over me that I'd feel better if I didn't have to wait for any messages from her ever again. But I can't do that, she's the only friend I have in this town and as such the only one I see and do stuff with in the flesh on a regular basis. I can't do without that.

I wish my brain still worked and we lived in a slop free world. Healthy people don't need slop