this post was submitted on 29 Apr 2024
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okmatewanker
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Obviously satire, dozy wankers
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What's the blandest thing on the menu?
If you want tasty spoils of empire, try a curry or Chinese. There's a reason "pie and mash" is only served in London, it's because the rest of the country wouldn't stand for it.
That's more like it - proper British cuisine.
A surprising number of the standard curry dishes you'll find in the UK were invented here: the balti, madras, jalfrezi, vindaloo, phall and people still.fight over the origin of the tikka masala but likely here.
There were moves to get the balti registered as an EU traditional speciality for Birmingham but Brexit ruined that. It's sad to see that the Balti Triangle, which I visited a lot back at in its heyday is a sorry shadow of itself.
Definitely give the balti a go if you are in a standard curry house but avoid the phall - I lived not far from the Balti Triangle for a while in the eighties and nineties and it was a revelation.
However, curry in Britain has moved on quite a bit since then and we have a lot more restaurants serving more authentic Indian food. So, if you can, check out good local Bengali, Sri Lankan, Nepalese, etc eateries - I'm an especially big fan of the last one as me default curry house is a locals Nepalese that has won a number of awards. I also have a top vegetarian Indian restaurant not a million miles away and their food is amazing.
Now I'm proper starving - mid-afternoon curry binge anyone?
It's the hottest standard curry in the UK and has to be served on asbestos plates to stop it burning through the table. Possibly.
The thing about a phall is that it's not, like, a real dish. It's the item they put on the menu for pricks who just want to be a hard man and "order the hottest thing on the menu". It's just an invitation for the chef to make you something inedible as a punishment for your hubris, but that also means it's not usually a very nice actual curry.
If you want a very hot curry that is still an actual tasty curry, vindaloo is generally your man.
Vindaloo is based loosely on a Goan dish of the same name, but like all of them the British version bares only a passing resemblance to its authentic relative (which really has more in common with the Bangladeshi style of cooking).
That's it - it's a stunt or challenge item. You also don't have to order it directly, you can be an insufferable prick to the waiters or feed the fish bits of your starter.
You maniac! Make sure you have a spare toilet on standby.
Have you had a vindaloo? That's not for the unwary. I remember a night out in Brum where we went to a curry house. The Indian guys ordered vindaloos and some of the more inebriated in the party got over-enthusiastic and also ordered it. I've never seen so much suffering in a restaurant - I thought the waiters might have to bring out buckets to catch all the sweat. Never seen anyone try a phall (can't recall going anywhere that offered it in decades as it is more of a challenge curry) but I am reliably-informed that it looks like the final scenes in Indiana Jones. Probably.
You're clearly built different to the rest if us - these days I value flavour over heat.
Good luck with having a phall - do report back.
I would never call clearly Indian inspired dishes "British food" regardless of who or where it was invented.
The comment is in the spirit of the community and a) highlights how much "British" grub has been stolen from elsewhere during our imperialistic phase and b) how different it actually is from the actual food in the countries which inspired it (good luck getting a balti in India). I am always intrigued by the latter - getting my first donner kebab in Turkey was a revelation (it made the British "elephant leg" look worse than before) and I always like to check out what Chinese people are eating when I'm tucking into a banquet as there is virtually no overlap.
Doner kebab is actually twice removed from the original; British doner kebabs are based on the German doner kebabs created by Germany's own Turkish population.
Jesus. Call them "German kebabs" and see how quickly Brits demand proper doner.
It does make my typo funnier because, after a dodgy "donner" I've suffered from "blitzen". I used to blame that eleventh pint of Stella but now I know it's those German kebabs.
And yet Hamburgers are listed as American food, even though they literally have Hamburg in their name.
You need to try a Pieminister mothership.
That sounds like a dirty euphemism and I refuse to look it up (in case it isn't).