Dank Memes

"ANY BLUE WILL DO™"^*^

*Terms an conditions apply.

ANY BLUE WILL DO™ — TERMS AND CONDITIONS

By repeating, accepting, endorsing, or being shamed into the phrase “Any Blue Will Do,” you agree to the following Terms and Conditions.

1. Binding Obligation of the Voter

You agree that “Any Blue Will Do” creates a total, unconditional, irrevocable, morally compulsory obligation to support any candidate designated by the Democratic Party, its consultants, donors, cable news surrogates, or random accounts with flag emojis.

Support may include voting, donating, volunteering, defending the candidate online, pretending the platform is “actually pretty progressive,” and explaining to younger voters why asking for healthcare is helping fascism.

2. Definition of “Blue”

For purposes of this Agreement, “Blue” means any candidate, officeholder, nominee, former Republican, ex-CIA analyst, prosecutor, donor-friendly mayor, or person who has appeared on a Democratic ballot line.

Notwithstanding the above, “Blue” shall not include leftists, socialists, labor candidates, anti-war candidates, or anyone who causes donors to say “deeply concerning.”

3. Institutional Discretion

The Democratic Party reserves the sole, exclusive, perpetual, and non-reviewable right to decide when “Any Blue Will Do” applies.

This determination may be made before, during, or after the election; in a closed-door meeting; through a leaked memo; or retroactively after the wrong kind of Democrat wins.

4. Primary Election Exceptions

Although “Any Blue Will Do” may appear to imply neutrality among Democrats, nothing shall prevent the Party from promoting, funding, endorsing, defending, or quietly coordinating for any candidate deemed sufficiently Normal.

The Party may intervene against left-wing candidates through endorsements, donor pressure, debate exclusion, ballot challenges, super PACs, whisper campaigns, consultant networks, or sudden concerns about electability.

Such actions shall not violate “Any Blue Will Do,” because leftists should have known what the phrase meant.

5. Electability Clause

You agree that “electability” means whatever the Party needs it to mean at the time.

A moderate losing by six points proves the country is center-right.

A leftist losing by six points proves progressive politics are permanently toxic.

A moderate winning narrowly is a mandate for bipartisan austerity.

A leftist winning decisively is a local anomaly.

6. Vote-Shaming Rights Reserved

The Party, its affiliates, surrogates, influencers, and emotionally exhausted liberals reserve the right to shame, scold, guilt, condescend to, or morally indict you for any failure to provide enthusiastic support.

This right survives all prior mistreatment, broken promises, ignored policy demands, abandoned constituencies, donor triangulation, union-busting, war funding, anti-immigrant pivoting, or sabotage of your preferred candidate.

Your obligation to vote blue remains in full force regardless of whether the Party has made any effort to earn your vote.

7. No Reciprocal Duty

Nothing in this Agreement creates any reciprocal obligation on the part of the Democratic Party to support candidates, policies, platforms, movements, voters, unions, tenants, students, debtors, the uninsured, the unhoused, the anti-war left, or anyone who has ever said the word “material.”

The voter’s duty is mandatory.

The Party’s duty is aspirational, symbolic, non-binding, means-tested, subject to committee review, and likely dead on arrival in the Senate.

8. Platform Disclaimer

Any platform, promise, slogan, campaign speech, town hall answer, website bullet point, or “we hear you” statement is non-binding promotional material.

The Party may abandon, dilute, reframe, study, means-test, postpone, sunset, privatize, or blame the parliamentarian for any stated policy objective.

No voter shall infer from campaign rhetoric the existence of an actual commitment.

9. Leftist Candidate Contingency

In the event that a leftist wins a Democratic primary, “Any Blue Will Do” may be suspended, modified, inverted, or replaced with:

“We need a serious candidate.”

“This district is more moderate than people think.”

“We have concerns about temperament.”

“They haven’t built relationships.”

“The tweets are problematic.”

“This is not the right time.”

“We need someone who can win.”

The Party may further reserve the right to remain neutral, quietly assist the opponent, withhold funding, or discover a sudden principled objection to party loyalty.

10. Consultant Protection Clause

No provision of this Agreement shall endanger the sacred right of consultants to be paid millions of dollars to lose winnable races while advising candidates to say nothing, offend no donors, avoid popular economic policies, and appear in diners wearing rolled-up sleeves.

Consultant compensation shall not be contingent on winning elections.

11. Donor Supremacy Clause

In the event of a conflict between voters and donors, donors shall prevail.

In the event of a conflict between the platform and donors, donors shall prevail.

In the event of a conflict between democracy and donors, a task force shall be convened after the election.

12. Unity

You agree that “unity” means left-wing voters supporting the nominee chosen by the Party.

You further agree that “division” means left-wing voters asking for anything in return.

Calls for unity may be issued immediately after the Party has spent months calling your candidate unelectable, dangerous, unserious, divisive, unrealistic, toxic, radical, online, or insufficiently grateful.

13. Harm Reduction

You acknowledge that harm reduction is extremely important and shall be invoked whenever the Party requires your vote.

You further acknowledge that harm reduction shall not require the Party to reduce harm when doing so would inconvenience donors, police unions, defense contractors, pharmaceutical companies, fossil fuel interests, private insurers, landlords, or anyone described as a “stakeholder.”

14. Democracy Preservation Clause

You agree that democracy is on the ballot in every election.

You further agree that democracy may be preserved through ballot access litigation, superdelegate influence, donor consolidation, debate manipulation, primary interference, and stern editorials about the dangers of populism.

Any contradiction shall be resolved in favor of the Party.

15. Waiver of Expectations

By accepting these Terms, you waive any expectation that your vote, organizing, small-dollar donations, canvassing, or repeated emergency mobilization shall entitle you to policy concessions, appointments, accountability, respect, or basic recognition as part of the coalition.

You may be thanked in fundraising emails.

16. Amendment Rights

The Democratic Party reserves the right to amend these Terms at any time without notice.

Amendments may be announced by think tank memo, anonymous senior aide quote, cable news panel consensus, donor retreat, consultant Substack, or sudden redefinition of what “realistic” means.

Continued existence under Republican threat shall constitute acceptance of all amended Terms.

17. Enforcement

This Agreement shall be enforced exclusively against voters to the left of the nominee.

No enforcement mechanism shall apply to conservative Democrats, corporate Democrats, swing-district moderates, billionaire donors, retired generals, anti-choice incumbents, oil-state senators, police-union candidates, or anyone who says “kitchen table issues” while opposing the policies that would help people afford kitchens or tables.

18. Remedies

If you violate this Agreement by withholding support, criticizing the nominee, supporting a primary challenger, asking for concessions, mentioning Gaza, saying “universal healthcare,” objecting to means-testing, or pointing out that the Party did the opposite of what it demanded from you, remedies may include:

vote-shaming, accusations of privilege, accusations of Russian influence, lectures about 2016, screenshots of Supreme Court decisions, demands that you “grow up,” comparisons to Republicans, and fundraising emails addressed to “Friend.”

These remedies apply regardless of whether your criticism is accurate.

19. Entire Agreement

These Terms constitute the entire agreement between the Democratic Party and the voter, superseding all prior hopes, movements, promises, platforms, speeches, donations, canvassing shifts, and moments when you briefly believed this relationship might become less abusive.

By proceeding, you acknowledge that “Any Blue Will Do” means any blue will do for you, not for them.

20. Acceptance

By voting, not voting, considering voting, discussing voting, posting, lurking, donating, organizing, complaining, or failing to clap loudly enough, you agree to be bound by these Terms and Conditions.

No purchase necessary.

No refunds.

Void where democracy is practiced.