this post was submitted on 20 Jun 2026
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Not only that, but fantasizing about suicide has become such a coping mechanism, you didn't even realize you were doing it, until you actually find a reason to WANT to live, and then iyour mind turns on itself and your stress level rises until you find a new release for it. Having a kid did this to me. I can't wish I'm dead anymore, which it turns out was a badly maladaptive way to regulate my emotions.
I didn't even need a kid to have this, I wrote this poem when I was depressed as a teen
Standing Here poem
So many rules, so many fools, so many times I never die.So many years, with all of my tears, I never meant to be alive.
Let it end, that is my wish, I want it all to stop!
I'll carry on till I drop!
I'm am still, standing here, while you all, are standing near.
I can't go, as you well know, while you all, love me so.
Sometimes.
Somehow.
I wouldn't let it end because I always need right now.
Someday, I know, it'll all come crashing down.
This isn't the end!
Or is it the end?
I don't even know anymore.
I'll say that it's done,
And fuck everyone,
but I'm still standing here.
I'm still standing here.
I'm still standing here.
I'm still standing here.
Here.
I often used that in a "therapeutical" way
Like meditating about, that I want to die now and deciding on it
Until some part of mine started to rebel and then I build up on the feeling to get out of my suicide wish again
Now, I've promised my wife to not kill myself.
And honestly, I'm missing that tool now to get out of deep depression
Obviously, it's not a safe one, but it worked for me.
Took quite some time to gather other methods
So let me get this straight, contemplating suicide, how to do it, when (as in which day of the week), and stuff like that even if you don't really want it is a poor way to react to emotions ? But it feels so comfy (yeah I should probably see a therapist some day)
I've always preferred the fantasies of escape. Like which patch of land I'd rather run away to, how I'd build a shelter that's functional, safe, and hidden from humans, what kind of plants I'd forage or gather seeds from to grow in a forest garden. Sometimes I think of ways I might find and boil water without matches, or ways to defend the area from bears or defend the garden from deer. In reality, I don't think I'd be able to keep it up long, but fantasizing about it is really pleasant. Sometimes it's the only way I manage through hard times.
I should try that, it sounds healthier
It's a weird sensation. It's like part of your own soul is now outside your body, and you can't abandon it. It's no longer entirely your choice to make.
It's scary that that out is gone. It also gives me a lot of strength. In the words of Homer Simpson "Do it for her". If I can't do it for myself, tough shit, I'm no longer on easy mode, I need to make it work for her, no matter what it takes.