this post was submitted on 29 Jul 2026
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This is a difficult situation. There are many things one should be angry about, but one has few options to deal with it: either you can let it go and move on, actually try to do something about it (even if you fail or it takes a lifetime or not always possible), or just stay angry.
I’m not going to tell anyone how to feel, but I personally would either let it go or try to do something. I’ve lost people before and I refuse to feel that shitty all the time; it is hell.
Yeah, I'm with you. I feel like there's a possibility that this person is experiencing a complex trauma that continues to affect their minute-to-minute life in negative ways, and the therapist was trying to guide them toward a kind of acceptance that could have eased some of those negative effects but their patient just wasn't having it. Maybe not ready for it.
I'm not trying to say I know them or what's right for them, of course, but just offer an alternative view
You are conflating the pain of loss with the emotion of anger.
If you have an ounce of humanity, sympathizing with this person should be automatic. They have every right to be furious and there can be no resolution until the underlying material conflict has been resolved. That is the purpose of that emotion, to drive behavior towards affecting change.
The approach/philosophy you are approaching this from is useful for when the brain gets "stuck" after the underlying conflict has been resolved or when someone is hallucinating blame to deal with the pain of loss. There is no possible interpretation where either of those is the case. The situation has been logically analyzed and the emotion has been checked.
If you have an ounce of empathy you should be mad as well. You have been informed of the situation. You are aware of the pain they are experiencing. You understand that without change this can/will happen to you. Why aren't you angry?
Were they murdered?
Do you have to interact with their murder every day and be 'normal' around them?
Even survivor families of murdered people struggle but eventually have to move on and rebuild their lives. Your continuous suffering does not bring them back. Your eventual happiness does not disservice the loss. That's the hardest part of grief and injustice.
Feeling angry at the event is normal, but if it is crippling your ability to take care of yourself or others who depend on you. Then that is what is unhealthy. Holding on to the pain and anger to the point that you don't function properly is actively hurting you further.
I don't see you answering my question, I see you ignoring my point.
I actually do know someone who was murdered, and while I don't have to face their murderer every day, the event changed my life more than any other.
Somewhere else on this thread you'll see a post by me saying "I let things go". It's true - since then I just don't hold on to anger, because I just don't see the point. If I stayed angry at the person who murdered my friend, then that person would be the one in charge of my life. They would be the one controlling me, the one for whom I was living my life.
And that applies to everything else. If something annoys me then maybe I think about it for a few minutes, maybe an hour, but then - it's gone. Because if I give more thought than that - if I let it fester, then I give it power over me. Which is just...... not how I want to live my life.
I'm not the one you asked the question to, just commenting on the general discussion. But let's play at that. Yes, I have murdered family members. Yes, I'm angry. But my anger won't stop me from living my life. It's very important to remember that there are things within our control, and things outside our control. The attitude we assume towards the hardships of life is one of the things under our control. We can't control how we feel, but we can decide to not let our tragedies dictate our lives. The emotions after tragedies and injustices can be fuel to lead us into meaningful actions. When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. The fear people see on others who are consumed by their emotions is not from some need to take a moral high ground. It is fear that we will lose them as well, to grief and depressive spirals.
In my experience, these are conjoined. You try to do things (or, at least, stew about wanting to do things) while you're angry. And as the anger fads, the impulsive need to act fades with it.
So then you've got a group of people who are still angry. And they can turn to the people who have burned out from their anger and scream "Why are you not still angry?! Why are you so apathetic?!" And then these angry people can blame the burn outs for whatever failures accrue.
But it goes one step deeper, because there's no just one group of angry people. It's a melting pot of people with different views all competing to impose their will on the world. And any time any individual or group fails, they need to root out the cause of that failure. Which means blaming the out-groups and self-flagellating over personal weakness and bemoaning the neutral third parties for not being on your team.
Also, lots of money in selling people an outlet for their rage. Or selling them a cure for it. Or selling them a means of inflicting pain on the people they're angry at. Or just selling them on the promise of some future satisfaction.
An endless conflict fueled by rage, fear, greed, and ambition.