Context: I am not in danger, I am doing okay for the situation, I will be fine. No worrying needed on that part. I am actively seeking mental health support, I will be okay.
As a general thing, suicide is bad right? I certainly haven't appreciated it happening around me, and it sucks. In general, I'd like for people to feel like life is worth living.
But there's a thing here where people want you alive, but they don't want to help you make a life worth living. You can put tons of effort into everything you do, into the people in your life, but you start thinking maybe life isn't worth the constant struggle, the endless unrewarding hell, and somehow you're being selfish for it.
I've never had stronger feelings towards ending everything than I had tonight. And still I decided living was the best option. But it still fucking sucks. I still have to keep on with this shitty existence, maintaining my shitty life, in the hopes that people will stop doing things to me that slowly tear me down over and over again. I'd leave if I could, but I financially and socially can't, and I kind of still don't want to, because I love my partner even if she left it half a decade too late to sort her stuff out.
The neighbours keep sending construction crews to coincidentally destroy my property, my industry was somehow taken over by garbage fake robots, my martial arts instructor turned into a fascist, and I'm supposed to rebuild my life when the whole world is quicksand. I literally do not have the executive function to keep going under these circumstances.
I still think living is the right call, but fuck me the world could throw us a fucking bone once in a while. This whole thing is bullshit.
/rant
You may or may not find this useful, but I thought I'd share on the chance it might help. The people around you can have a tremendous impact on your mental health. I unfortunately had a malignant narcissist in my life that organized a mobbing campaign calculated to drive me to suicide. How was it done? Massive amounts of gaslighting to unmoor me from reality, heap stressors on me to overload, while those around me seeded the idea by constantly talking about suicide "if you want someone else to completely believe in your idea, you must make them believe that it was their own idea all along." The strategy was fairly effective, and by the time I realized what was going on I was a wreck and had frequent suicidal ideation.
What stopped me was, like you, something inside telling me not to do it. This experience has completely reshaped how I view suicide, and I suspect that many others have been driven to suicide though similar means. What I did to get out of it was to sever ties with everyone involved, which basically meant severing ties virtually everyone in my life, including my family (they were involved), and rebuilding myself from the ground up. I started with physical improvement through exercise, as I was morbidly obese and had several related health issues. By focusing on small, incremental things that I did have control over, such as sleep, exercise, and nutrition, I was able to make useful changes to improve my life. You can't change what other people do, but you can change what you do, and that can have an enormous impact on your life. While doing this, I was effectively in purgatory for 4 years while I rebuilt myself, and only last August did I begin to venture out to work on rebuilding my social life. It's been a long haul, but I am so much happier now. I now have numerous real friends, an active social life, am in the best shape of my life, and am virtually unrecognizable to people who knew me before. The world is still in a shit place, and it will almost certainly get worse before it gets better, but focusing on things I can control and letting go of things out of my control I am in a much better place to deal with it all. Best of luck, and hang in there.
Suicide trolling is murder.
I've survived by dumb luck, many don't.
I remember my yoga person during one session trying to focus me on important things, saying "So imagine you'd die tomorrow."
me swooning
"Ok, it's good not to be afraid of death, but it's also not good to yearn it."
It's wisdom for me. Of course the ideation comes closer at times. But then again, it's ridiculous through how much shit you can go and then have moments where none of it matters, and how things can change. Personally, the worst moments of my life also played a significant part in making me a better person, having a clearer path, seeing life/reality clearer and with better access to come back to it. And from what I can tell this happens to quite a few people, not to minimize the injustice and suffering.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, as nobody deserves it. Ironically, the person that began my harassment fell victim to it himself, and killed himself by stepping in front of a car. Apparently he could dish it out, but not take it when the psychopaths he engaged with turned it on him. "Lay down with dogs, get up with fleas" I guess.
Hah, I don't like to indulge in Schadenfreude, but I can't help my reaction.
I'm sorry what you had to go through too, I can imagine as it's very similar to my experience.
And yeah, every documentary I see of people so heavily involved in this super unethical crime, it backfires in one way or another. They have so many things to worry about, so many things that can bite them in the ass. Things fall apart, and their appetite is never fulfilled. I mean look at the richest people, they don't seem nearly as happy as some of the poorest I know. It's a meaningless ego life without real connections or authenticity. Oh so many words can be said. I honestly rather suffer than live their vapid life. :)