Casual Conversation

How badly do your kids fight? Is sibling fights just... normal?

Jeez, I just wrote another comment involving fights with my older brother... oh fuck I remember I was home alone with my older brother and he beat the shitout of me, and parents didn't really do much to help when they came home, they were more worried about trouble from CPS (Child Protection Services, of USA). He was also 5 years older than me so I couldn't do much.

Oh fucking hell, I just remember the 2nd time I had to run away from home (not really the 2nd, more like the 2nd major one, there were some other incidents that I might not really remember, memory is blurry)

The first time was in Guangzhou, China, I took a bus to mom's workplace just to feel "safe", she wasn't there since she went looking for me after grandma called her to inform her about the situation, they called the police and all, I went back home after not finding at work, I waited like 10 - 30 minutes there I think, I was thinking she might be at a break or lunch time, but nah, didn't see her. So I went home, then I saw her and a bunch of cops around the neighborhood, I felt so guilty, felt like I got in trouble, even thought it was my brother's fault I had to feel that fear to prompt me to run away in the first place (not even really running away, just looking for mom at work), I had some 小籠包 at the nearby restaurant cuz I was so hungry, I cried, I never felt so scared in my life before, I was like 6 or 7 years old I think. My mom was so shocked I even remember the bus route to her workplace (she had some electronic store sales job, I went with her to her workplace once when maternal grandmother was busy with stuff... donct remember my older brother being there, idk why, maybe grandmother took him back to our village? Or maybe grandma too him to a doctor? No clue, don't remember. so thatcs why I know where she worked. I mean its so bizzare, thinking about it, a 6 year old me remembering the precise stop to get off and remember exactly where she was at that mall/store. Bus drivers didn't give a shit about the fare thing, probably assumed I was with an adult when I got on. Nobody careed about the fact that I was an unaccompanied minor.

The second time I "ran away" was in Philadelphia. I just left via the back door as my brother was chasing me around, trying to beat me. I just walked to my mother working at the nearby Chinese Bakery, didn't felt like going in since I didn't wanna feel embarassed since her co-workers were there... and I actually go to this Bakery sometimes, and I was older so this felt very embarassing and shameful... yea why the hell did I feel shame for being abused by my older brother? Anyways only 30 minutes later, she got off from work and then she saw me sitting on the floor on the street outside. She was like: "Why aren't you at home?" Then I explained about my brother hitting me. I hugged her, I cried.

This is probably why I have such a strong trauma bond with my mother, even tho she herself is also emotionally abusive.

Ah fuck my head hurts.

Sorry for trauma dumping, I really need to get this out, it's very therapeudic for me.