doomer

I don't entirely understand it either. I'm not "okay" with dysphoria in the sense that it doesn't cause me any discomfort and sadness, but I am okay with it in the sense that I do not feel it anywhere near as pervasively as I once did, and those feelings no longer make me feel as though my life is existentially doomed or ruined or pointless. Maybe I was able to get to this point without my body getting "better" because our bodies are not inherently wrong or in need of improvement. While it's true that little has changed about my body in the last 5 years, many other important things have changed (which would suggest to me they're more important than one's body, and thus should be focused on more). I have a far larger and more supportive social circle, an organization I do important and fulfilling work with. I have a healthier diet, get more exercise, and don't smoke weed every waking hour of every day anymore. And while my body hasn't changed much, I still think I look far better than I did 5 years ago. I have better makeup skills and a better sense of what clothes look good on me and fit my style, but most importantly I'm more confident, which looks better on everyone. Don't get me wrong, medical transition is lifesaving and incredibly important, but when you've done most or all of what you can in that regard, and are still drowning in hopelessness about your body, you have to step back and really ask yourself: do I want to resign myself to a life that I've already decided is hopeless and miserable? Do I want to spend my entire life stewing over the cosmic unfairness of it all? Or do I want to do the best to give myself a chance at happiness and joy despite the hand I was dealt? I spent a long while stewing, trust me, I get the appeal. I know just how dark it can get agonizing over every inch of fat and skin and bone and hair and asking "why me", wishing for another life. But we only have one life. We can't always choose what happens to us in it, we can however choose how we respond.

I'm sorry if I come across as preachy, I don't intend it. I really know from experience this sort of stuff sounds stupid and is annoying to hear when you're in the pits, but I truly believe it. I also truly hope one day you're able to get to a better place where these feelings do not consume you like this.