So long story short
I am writing to say hi and hopefully I can find answers lurking in the shadows by everyone here.
Long story:
I guess I believed that I didn't have this and have struggled a lot over time with the thought of always thinking what I might have and why I felt so different from neural typical people
I haven't had a formal diagnosis, but I have been unofficial diagnosed with ADHD,anxiety and depression and a nurse off had mentioned that I might have Asperger's but again no formal diagnosis.
I think I might also display signs CPTSD symptoms and I tend to have a proverbial forest of these lists of traumas albeit it small but are so...persistent that it is quite extensive in the sense that I could write a short story trying to explain myself with how I am feeling with this.
I think because my younger brother is mentally challenged to the point where he cannot look after himself, I think I have been hesitant to claim being neural divergent in fears that I might be thinking I am "broken"
But I have been, I guess, exploring, trying to understand what I might have because I have been forced to really try and make progress in my life after being "paralysed" by not feeling I am making any progress in my life.
I have always been something of a black sheep, generally have been of strong opinion and I am observant enough that I am decent at reading people to the point where I can call out other people's bs to a reasonable degree.
I believe I am strong willed in the sense that I am not too easily swayed, but tend to fold with a "second inner self" that is on watch once I have experienced something bad. I also feel like I can be caught up in a collective "energy" too
My life is one of wearing masks and figuring out the right "persona" to put on for the right "performance"
I also struggle with interpersonal relationships as I have a tendency to overshare and be verbose in both my words and actions.
I have a bad tendency to trust and that has led to me being taken advantage of a lot, which has a knock on effect of making me be very cautious of people and their intent, which leaves me feeling very lonely and unloved as I struggle to make connections
I have difficulties making connections because I generally scare everyone away with how "heavily burdened" my soul feels and that leads to struggling to regulate and being force to have to mask up and live with the tiring burden of wanting to "fit in"
I am unemployed, I have been looking for employment and struggle to find many jobs to apply to because of a lack of confidence in my skills and feeling very self-conscious because I am in student debt that I cannot pay and I am forced to stay with my parents which also makes and leaves me with guilt as it is a household that is hanging on by the generosity of family.
might come across as graphics ( ie suicidal
It makes me feel very stuck in life as I struggle to move forward and I am not so young anymore so the aging feels like noose with time being the hangman. The thought does come to my mind of suicide, but life has given me reason enough to fear death as I have lived through experiences ( dodging a knife swung at me, not acting out rage and it scarying me that i was euphorically angry, survive almost drowning, had a near miss of a metal rugby tog hitting my eye) that have made me realise I don't really want to die
I do have a suicide prevention buddy, that I try and keep in contact with and only really ask for help when it gets really bad as they rightfully don't engage with my ramblings unless it is very serious. They are very busy, but still find time ti try and be someone to offer assistance and try pass on job opportunities if they find something they they think is applicable
Just overall life sucks and I do not know what to do with myself as all roads feel like a dead end
Thank you for your reply
I wish to say that my reply is not to demean or invalidate what works for you and has led to you finding results that have been met with success and just a realisation that I just need to accept the situation for what it is.
Additionally, not this group but another I tried to seek assistance with in a different environment, but it is something of a sore spot for me to mention because I have mentioned my financial difficulties and how it is hamstringing my healing process. I wish to say that I am not asking for financial support. It felt demoralising to want to air the frustration of how difficult it is to get the help I need and not be able to afford the means to get it.
I understand that people have their own difficulties in life and it is hard and answers cannot be always be found, but the feeling that it gets treated like I am begging for financial gain, for someone to "save me" with a swipe of a transaction really felt insulting and I wish to iterate that I am not asking for financial assistance.
I tried to plan trying again to go the hospital and endure what I would after breaking away from feeling how my treatment was not taken seriously.
Currently with my finances, I cannot afford it, I worked it out and at most I can afford 3 trips
That is not taking into account if they drag their feet again and waste my time and what I assume above is the best case scenario, which is usually not the case - even if it might be easier or harder than what I imagine.
Then if I want to apply for a grant - which should be able to at the very least help alleviate some pressure and be able to pay for transport costs
This will require and hinge on the hospital actually giving me my diagnosis paperwork and not decide that meds is all I need like the last time I tried to get help. I can be able to get the necessary documents sorted with it all hinging on whether the hospital wastes my time again or not within the 3 trips I can afford.
Currently it is not feasible to get the support that I want - I will need to wait for family to gift me money over my birthday or Christmas time to afford this process. The house is somewhat existing on the charity of family to keep it above the point of uncomfortable struggle.
I have to just accept the fact that I just cannot afford it, right now.
The only thing I can do is try to "self-medicate" and unfortunately that is met with mixed results, because I do not have the luxury of much choice. Best I was able do recently is go for an hour long walk and adding music to it the routine. This is to stave off the unbearable inner voice that accompanies me while walking, only thing I need to do now is try and build some consistency with it.
There are other things I wish to try more forward with but there is a lack of self-confidence and I guess planning to be able to where I want to be.
I have tried to cut back on sugars - have coffee with 1 sugar at most twice a day, with a rare exception of 3 times, only drink water with the occasional sugary drink that the family shares once week.
Evening meals are alternating between chicken and meat with variation with potatoes, vegetables or some form of refined product , but I do admit there is a lot gluten (bread, processed foods because cheap), milk, refined sugars in bread and most likely seed oils (used for cooking, in food additive products ) in the way the food is prepared and served.
Thank you for the suggestion though
I'd be happy to help in some manner through DM's, or I could probably do Matrix (I need to make a Matrix, though) so at the very least I could help you get on the right track.
One book I'd recommend taking a look at (it's on Amazon) is Jack Spirko's Laws of Life: Ditch the System Design Your Life. That is, if you happened to be into reading.
Thank you for the offer
I am currently trying something for myself seeing as my options are limited.
Basically I am walking - target, for now, is 5 KM a day with a goal of 25 KM a week and then post on a weekly schedule to act as a cataloguing tool in conjunction with social media to reaffirm a feeling of social connection.
It isn't perfect but I am trying something to try and work on the the deep self-hatred, self-shame, loneliness, etc.
I feel by doing something that works the energy out and acts as proof to validate that I am not alone, especially when a few people I have on the social media acknowledge it - small victories.
I am also hoping that social pressure will help to motivate me to not stop and can hit a few birds with a stone throw - so to speak.
From then looks of things, OP, cataloging something like your 25km of walks per week... that's potentially oversharing. If it's something that isn't general, but rather, intimate, that's something you don't want to share. Now, I could be wrong on that since this could be general, but you might want to mind that. I overshared a lot in the past, actually, and learned how to control it myself.
The Instagram is private and me sharing is for group of people that have shown concern when I do not contact.
It is proof I am getting outside and doing something
Because my normal pattern of behaviour is to close myself off and isolate as I feel "insert negative emotion"
I want social connection because I am starved of it, so I am sharing it in a "safe" environment provides a means to get a social need met- which I have not been doing, hold myself accountable to my actions while having social pressure to keep doing it and doing something that improves my overall health
On the oversharing thing, yes I am very guilty of that, but just posting pictures of where I walked and milestones is, I feel, a healthier alternative to how I usually react which is either too much or nothing at all.