So long story short
I am writing to say hi and hopefully I can find answers lurking in the shadows by everyone here.
Long story:
I guess I believed that I didn't have this and have struggled a lot over time with the thought of always thinking what I might have and why I felt so different from neural typical people
I haven't had a formal diagnosis, but I have been unofficial diagnosed with ADHD,anxiety and depression and a nurse off had mentioned that I might have Asperger's but again no formal diagnosis.
I think I might also display signs CPTSD symptoms and I tend to have a proverbial forest of these lists of traumas albeit it small but are so...persistent that it is quite extensive in the sense that I could write a short story trying to explain myself with how I am feeling with this.
I think because my younger brother is mentally challenged to the point where he cannot look after himself, I think I have been hesitant to claim being neural divergent in fears that I might be thinking I am "broken"
But I have been, I guess, exploring, trying to understand what I might have because I have been forced to really try and make progress in my life after being "paralysed" by not feeling I am making any progress in my life.
I have always been something of a black sheep, generally have been of strong opinion and I am observant enough that I am decent at reading people to the point where I can call out other people's bs to a reasonable degree.
I believe I am strong willed in the sense that I am not too easily swayed, but tend to fold with a "second inner self" that is on watch once I have experienced something bad. I also feel like I can be caught up in a collective "energy" too
My life is one of wearing masks and figuring out the right "persona" to put on for the right "performance"
I also struggle with interpersonal relationships as I have a tendency to overshare and be verbose in both my words and actions.
I have a bad tendency to trust and that has led to me being taken advantage of a lot, which has a knock on effect of making me be very cautious of people and their intent, which leaves me feeling very lonely and unloved as I struggle to make connections
I have difficulties making connections because I generally scare everyone away with how "heavily burdened" my soul feels and that leads to struggling to regulate and being force to have to mask up and live with the tiring burden of wanting to "fit in"
I am unemployed, I have been looking for employment and struggle to find many jobs to apply to because of a lack of confidence in my skills and feeling very self-conscious because I am in student debt that I cannot pay and I am forced to stay with my parents which also makes and leaves me with guilt as it is a household that is hanging on by the generosity of family.
might come across as graphics ( ie suicidal
It makes me feel very stuck in life as I struggle to move forward and I am not so young anymore so the aging feels like noose with time being the hangman. The thought does come to my mind of suicide, but life has given me reason enough to fear death as I have lived through experiences ( dodging a knife swung at me, not acting out rage and it scarying me that i was euphorically angry, survive almost drowning, had a near miss of a metal rugby tog hitting my eye) that have made me realise I don't really want to die
I do have a suicide prevention buddy, that I try and keep in contact with and only really ask for help when it gets really bad as they rightfully don't engage with my ramblings unless it is very serious. They are very busy, but still find time ti try and be someone to offer assistance and try pass on job opportunities if they find something they they think is applicable
Just overall life sucks and I do not know what to do with myself as all roads feel like a dead end
Your daugther is very lucky to have you, to show care and support and try and build her up to be able to handle the harsh world.
I want to change, I really do and it feels so hopeless to keep trying and being knocked down time and again, it feels like it would be easier to just end it and then everything would stop.
This is like a thing in general that I am tired of struggling alone and not being able to find "instrumental characters" to show me a different path. Every path I have tried to take leads me to failure and those failures somehow get bigger and more painful as I struggle to move forward which ends up just making things worse because of my poor emotional upbringing cascading with the results of having that compound with trying, but then realising it was not enough and thinking it will never be enough.
I am carrying all this with me, all these things with me and it is ruining my life and robbing me of being a better person.
It is decades of unresolved and untreated misalignments sparking off and making things worse. The myriad intertangled and almost "cancer-like" buildup of things that is a overwhelming burden of carrying something no one knows what it is and feeling "like what is wrong with me, why can't I just do this thing" and I must just carry this burden on my own, I am expected to be this "pillar of strength" when it feels like my strength is spent and I am tired of trying and consistently failing.