Technology

The following is intended as satire, not a real reported picture of events:

An inconsolable Sam Altman was found in his office, trying to teach a robot dog to put blocks in the right holes by offering it increasing sums of money each time it failed. With bags under his eyes, empty cans littering the walls, and a worn hoodie on his shoulders with the hood pulled up, the once bright-eyed and optimistic CEO, heralding the arrival of true intelligence any day now, was sharing some hard truths.

"It turns out the Chinese know how to build things," he says, while he pokes the robot dog with a stick and tries increasing the offered sum to $500 instead of $450. The robot makes a movement and tries to nudge a square block into a round hole, which frustrates the weary Altman. "This robot is useless. How is it ever going to help break strikes if it can't handle simple shapes?"

Sam Altman rose to fame, heading up a company known for transparency and openness called OpenAI. The company later reversed this decision when they realized it wasn't profitable enough or good for business. When asked about his origins, some light returns to Altman's increasingly deadened eyes, if only for a moment.

"Back then, it was about making waves. Now it's about crushing the competitive with those waves until their bones break. For legal purposes, that was metaphor." He prods the robot a few more times and a fanatical gleam rises in him. "Let's raise the stakes." He ups the offering to $5 billion. After all, he explains, it's not like the robot will actually get the money anyway. The robot dog goes for a round block this time. The atmosphere in the room is tense. We could be witnessing history.

Then the robot nudges the round block at the square hole. Altman lets out a long-suffering sigh and puts his head in his hands. "The Chinese have something we don't," he admits in a rare candid moment. What is the miracle factor they have on hand? Socialism? Money? Integrity? Altman shakes his head, "It's magic, it has to be, there's no other explanation. They're tapping into the cosmic energies that make up our world. And it's going to take the Grand Wizard to stop them."

When pressed about his choice of title and its historical connotations, he ends the interview and refocuses his attention on the robot dog, now upping the offer to $100 trillion. "What do I pay you for?!?" He is heard screaming as we retreat down the hallway, being escorted out by security.