Howdy.
So this week my girlfriend, who I had been getting very close with and we were beginning to long term plan together, had a moment of deep realization about the kind of blowback possible being openly communist, in favor of direct action, and pro-palestine can be. I've not hid any of this over the last several years of dating, but there's a difference between understanding and understanding, you know? She's thinking about calling it quits because she doesn't want to risk her own career which she has worked very hard to develop in a very competitive and innately unstable industry (performance art). She's dealing with some self admitted cognitive dissonance over the matter because she agrees with me politically, but can't bring herself to committing to resistance and solidarity in the face of blowback.
In a certain sense I understand. It's the same discomfort I first felt when I realized how fucked we were with climate change and rising fascism to begin with. How was I supposed to live a normal happy life with that? Well, obviously I wasn't, not unless I wanted to be complicit--by inaction if nothing else--in the self-annihilation of the biosphere and the genocide of people in the global South that would be necessary to enforce borders in the face of climate catastrophe and migration. It seems like she's choosing to try and live out her fantasy over solidarity or just confronting the material reality that is worsening conditions for all of us, even in the imperial core, so in another sense I just want to shrug at this and call it the same moral cowardice that most labor aristocrats have chosen in the core.
My family is not taking the news well, and thinks I'm throwing away my one shot at love because I can't compromise on my extreme politics. This is an absurd framing of events to me. I've been nothing but forthright about my commitments and beliefs this entire time. My parents clam up and get resistant with even milk toast hypotheticals like, "would you personally kill Hitler if given the chance?" So it feels impossible to have a sensible political discussion with them. They're that squeamish and averse to any and all violence that they can't imagine resisting genocide or fascism. So to a certain extent it feels impossible to make headway on any kind of informative discussion. But they continuously weaponize pity as shame it feels like, and say things about how sad and lonely life is going to be if I don't compromise on politics for relationships. It almost reads as a veiled threat at cutting me off too, sadly enough.
I guess I'm just looking for feedback and an opportunity to externalize my thoughts. I am a fairly gregarious and well liked person. I have a good social life, I've dated successfully before this and I'm sure I will again, but dang. It sucks having my parents harangue me for genocide being a hard line in the sand. I'm the beneficiary of a great many privileges that make it seem all the more imperative that I take a stand on these kinds of issues. I find myself feeling closer to people than ever when I'm involved in organizing work or political work, so their doom and gloom about how lonely my life will be I'm tempted to read as ignorance only a liberal mind is capable of. But like, am I actually the asshole? Do I need to check my power level? I guess I'm just baffled at how anyone thinks they're going to live a "normal" life, much less WANT to, when the West's rapid decline into the third reich is in full swing. Do they all imagine themselves as good little Germans, showing up to work and paying taxes, while tut tutting at the news? As far as I'm concerned the only good Germans under Nazi Germany were partisans.
I don't want to get too ranty here. I'll likely delete this post after a few days. Just wanted to hear some other perspective, maybe from people who have been through similar, or maybe just some commiseration. Whether I'm right or not it still sucks, you know?
It's wonderful and inspiring how you're vocal and serious about anti-fascist politics and actual praxis. Though, just to get the complete picture: is this really about a fundamental difference in values, or are simple material concerns hiding behind it? Because, in my experience, they often are and you focus suspiciously on ideology.
You even mention she agrees with you in theory, but not about the way you're going about praxis. So if she already has a problem with you being vocal and doing legal stuff and attending protests (even if there is some repression and criminalization) and how you're being perceived by burgoise neighbors, then I see your concern. If she somehow has a problem with this bare minimum, I can absolutely see your side. I don't think, partners absolutely have to mirror each other's level of activism, but doing this much without forcing her to join every protest should be no problem.
But, if it's about more than that, then it depends. Is it about actual concrete stuff you're doing, that's actually putting yourself and potentially her in real danger? Then the question is about how good your support network is (and about informed consent, but I don't think that's the problem, since you talk about it). The support network is important, because it's the difference between doing dangerous self-destructive adventurism and strategic calculated risk taking as part of a larger plan and movement. The support network could be a loose movement with tight cells, a wide network of close friends, a party, an org or anything. Think: "If I'm arrested, who would bail me out, sleep in a car to welcome me when I'm out, pay legal fees and so on?" Every good movement or org should cover at least that much. It would be too much to put on just one close partner. In this case, I would understand, if she has a problem if you go ahead without building that network first, potentially putting all that on her. A solution could be to shift your activism towards network building, before doing more serious stuff.
On the other hand, you mentioned moving to somewhere inside the imperial core. Are you currently in the periphery? Than I get it, the increased levels of hypocrisy and racism in the US and Europe might be too much. Immigrants rely a lot on networks of other immigrants to get by. Though the leftist comrades might be all the more thankful to have you.
If your not from outside the core, for example if it's about moving from the US to Germany, it wouldn't be a fundamental change. Organizing in both countries around Palestine is totally possible and many people in almost every city do it and offer support. Yes, there is repression, but there are many orgs who support each other and many roles within those orgs, some less exposed than others. You could definitely continue to be active to a similar level when moving from one imperial core country to another. Only the strategies would need to change. So, if you not wanting to move is part of the issue and activism is the deal breaker, you might want to contact orgs in that country and ask them about ways to get involved. There are cool people everywhere, it just might be harder to find them in some places. Remember there will be other people who moved there.
Maybe question, if it's really about political values or more about not giving up the network you already have where you are. That's a valid concern of course, but a purely practical one. Separate it from fundamental values.
I might be way way off with everything I just wrote, since I don't really know your situation, so I apologize in advance, if that's the case. Sending lots of solidarity and love your way comrade!
She doesn't even disagree with the praxis, she just doesn't like the risk of blowback. My career is fairly public facing and so is hers. Even legal advocacy can see lawfare applied to resistors, and institutional headwinds for careers in various fields up to and including unlawful (but when have the courts ever sided with leftists) termination from employment. Consequences only raise in severity from there with other direct action. It's a move from the US to EU I was considering, and as non-citizens our legal ramifications could be even higher. We would both have strong outstanding reasons NOT to return to the US if we had made the move that way to begin with. It's just a bummer I am beginning to think. Unavoidable if someone chooses a cushy labor aristocrat job and keeps their head down.
Thanks for helping me think it through, though. Much appreciated.