I'm at a phase in my life where I don't see myself evolving. It feels like I live the same day and make the same mistakes repeatedly over years — I'm trapped in a loop of anguish. I'm not religious, so I don't believe in an afterlife. The life we have is limited time, and we should make the best of it, but I'm failing at that. It seems my fear of trying is smaller than my fear of wasting my life. I have mental blocks that prevent me from trying things that would probably make me feel good, that would make me progress, or at least pull me out of this pit of anguish and frustration I find myself in.

I waste my whole day consuming passive, meaningless content because it offers distraction from this shit life. I'm having trouble finding motivation. When I do find it, it's extremely volatile, never lasting long enough to cause real change — it only generates another instance of frustration.

I don't see meaning in life. I stay alive because I cling to some hopes — hope that someday I'll create real personal connections, that I'll find love. But I'm afraid it'll just be another illusion, another expectation that will be frustrated. What if love isn't as amazing as people say? What if it's like that movie everyone recommends — recommendations fill you with interest and expectations, but when you watch it, you see it's just another shallow cliché, and that hope you had for a brief moment of good entertainment is destroyed when that time gets filled with frustration. What if, when I do find love, it's not salvation or something that gives me the much-needed sense of purpose, something that makes my existence relevant?

I schedule appointments with psychologists frequently during motivation lapses, usually stemming from moments of frustration, but those feelings created by such motivation never last until the appointment day, making me cancel.

It's like the mental block I mentioned prevents me from doing small to large acts that would get me out of inertia. But this inertia has become "comfortable" enough to trap me, like an invisible cage, where I always hit the walls when I move toward progress. At some point, my subconscious simply gave up trying to reach freedom. Even motivation lapses don't give me the power to destroy this cage and free myself. It's as if the maximum I can achieve during these lapses is running in circles inside the cage, while having the false impression of progress. And when that moment ends, I find myself trapped in the same place.