I'm at a phase in my life where I don't see myself evolving. It feels like I live the same day and make the same mistakes repeatedly over years — I'm trapped in a loop of anguish. I'm not religious, so I don't believe in an afterlife. The life we have is limited time, and we should make the best of it, but I'm failing at that. It seems my fear of trying is smaller than my fear of wasting my life. I have mental blocks that prevent me from trying things that would probably make me feel good, that would make me progress, or at least pull me out of this pit of anguish and frustration I find myself in.
I waste my whole day consuming passive, meaningless content because it offers distraction from this shit life. I'm having trouble finding motivation. When I do find it, it's extremely volatile, never lasting long enough to cause real change — it only generates another instance of frustration.
I don't see meaning in life. I stay alive because I cling to some hopes — hope that someday I'll create real personal connections, that I'll find love. But I'm afraid it'll just be another illusion, another expectation that will be frustrated. What if love isn't as amazing as people say? What if it's like that movie everyone recommends — recommendations fill you with interest and expectations, but when you watch it, you see it's just another shallow cliché, and that hope you had for a brief moment of good entertainment is destroyed when that time gets filled with frustration. What if, when I do find love, it's not salvation or something that gives me the much-needed sense of purpose, something that makes my existence relevant?
I schedule appointments with psychologists frequently during motivation lapses, usually stemming from moments of frustration, but those feelings created by such motivation never last until the appointment day, making me cancel.
It's like the mental block I mentioned prevents me from doing small to large acts that would get me out of inertia. But this inertia has become "comfortable" enough to trap me, like an invisible cage, where I always hit the walls when I move toward progress. At some point, my subconscious simply gave up trying to reach freedom. Even motivation lapses don't give me the power to destroy this cage and free myself. It's as if the maximum I can achieve during these lapses is running in circles inside the cage, while having the false impression of progress. And when that moment ends, I find myself trapped in the same place.
Your fear of never reaching self actualization is totally valid. There is a hole in your life that remains frustratingly empty and you can't seem to muster up the motivation to actually fill it with something, especially since you don't even know what would satisfyingly fill that hole. It sounds like you've looked around and seen other people find fulfillment with various things, like love or hobbies, maybe they've been helped along with therapy or interpersonal connections, but for some reason, you have some kind of mental block that is stopping you from even trying.
It's true that there is no silver bullet here. What works for one person may not work for you. Love may dissapoint you. Art might not be interesting to you. Reading books or going to therapy might not move you in a positive direction.
Life feels meaningless.
Well, yeah, life is largely meaningless besides what we give meaning to. For the past three years, I've been trying to develop my perfect breakfast. After much experimentation, I know it involves three eggs over-hard fried in Korean sesame oil with red pepper flakes, black pepper, and salt. An air fried hashbrown from Trader Joe's cooked at 385F for 20min on the side. It's still missing something though, so I'm still experimenting.
This constant refinement of my breakfast isn't A Really Big Thing. It has no importance beyond what importance I give it. I started doing this as a way to encourage myself to wake up earlier in the morning, but I've found myself thinking about ways to improve my breakfast during little moments in my life. It's something that occupies my mind and gives me a little joy.
I've actually found a bunch of little things like this. A few weeks ago, I bought a new set of boots and I've noticed that the tongue on my left boot keeps sliding over to one side. I looked up some remedies online, like using duct tape, using alligator clips, softening the leather with water, but none of it worked. Recently, I found something called sawtooth lacing that seems to have solved the problem. I'm pretty satisfied I found a solution.
It's exceedingly rare to find something so meaningful that it will change your life for the better. Not impossible, especially if you are actively looking for it, but it is something that will take a lot of time and effort, and probably money too. But if you can't muster up the motivation to make those big changes, to go on that big journey, I'd say start small and work your way up to bigger and better things.
I have always admired artists. The idea of having a cool idea in your head and manifesting that idea into the world seems magical to me. Mysterious to me. Impossible for me. In high school, I bought an Otamatone as a gag gift for a buddy, but he didn't want it, so I kept it. I still have it and every now and then, I pull it out of storage and poorly play something silly on it like Greensleeves or Ave Maria. I wouldn't say I'm getting better at making music, but it does amuse me and bring me a little joy.
Someone at work the other day sent out an email about organizing a free clay working class. I signed up to finally explore the world of art, but canceled at the last second after feeling too intimidated. I probably wouldn't have been any good at it. I don't even know what I would want to make out of clay. Canceling made me feel sad and stupid. I'm probably being a little silly and uncharitable to myself, but I guess I'm not ready to make my artistic debut yet. Maybe I should try doing something at home by myself first.
You are not wrong to fear that you will never find fulfillment in life. But more importantly, you are not wrong to hold on to hope that life can be better. Life is hard and it seems like you are enduring this hardship to the best of your ability. When I read your post, I don't see someone stuck and unmoving, I see someone who keeps getting back up and trying to better themselves. Sure, your attempts haven't worked out the way you wanted them to yet, but I think it's admirable that you are still trying. You say you haven't achieved success, I say you haven't given up and failed.
Try not to feel the need to make big, sweeping changes to improve your life, especially if most of your mental capacity is occupied with enduring the day to day. Try to find little things to fill that hole in your life for now that feels fulfilling. Write reviews for video games you like. Organize your miscellaneous tools. Make some really good chili.
I'm gonna try adding a bowl of miso soup to my breakfast next week. I know I'll eventually make a really good breakfast because I'm gonna keep trying. You haven't failed yet either.
I certainly can look it up for myself, but I find talking about my discoveries deeply satisfying so: Can you tell me about sawtooth lacing and why it’s helped your tongue slip problem?
Sawtooth lacing involves half the laces going horizontal as normal and the other half going diagonally. I think the increased surface area that the laces touch the tongue help keep the tongue from moving around.
It’s not about being good at it. If we wanted an exact replica of an object photos fixed that. It’s about the feeling of clay in your hands and battling a lopsided bowl. It about admiring the ridges the effect produces. It’s about looking at the bowl a year later and resonating with a moment of peace you experienced a year earlier. It’s not about producing perfect or for posting on insta. It’s about being present in producing something.
I like you focus on the tiny things. It’s a very manageable way to move forward. One breath at a time. It’s a special skill to be thoughtfully detailed.
Nothing to add here other than I thought the fact that a single Cherry was responding to a post from cherries was amusing.
I also responded to the plant 🤣 its feeling very naturistic in here