I'm sorry to not have answered earlier, but I got tied up a bit and also lost a comment to this by being clumsy. Not that used to typing on the phone this much.

I feel you, I really do. It is not easy fending of the existential dread and you do almost anything to not feel it so much, just for a while. The society we live in do not help much and not playing by their rules anymore feels good. Not letting it turn destructive for yourself is the real trick though. Questioning what you've been fed your whole life is not an easy process. You've built your entire existence on one set of beliefs and realizing that you may have been wrong to do that, is not a small thing. It is very easy to reject everything and if you push it too far it is easy to succumb to some sort of nihilism. That's rarely helpful for yourself or the people around you. You need to find something else to replace those lies that you've been fed. What that is, you need to find out for yourself. Take your time, the world can take care of itself for a while. You seem to be the kind of person that likes to figure things out for yourself and that is a good thing. Don't lose that, and keep an eye out for all the other lies people are trying to sell. But be especially wary of what some dusty old know-it-all on the internet says. Find your own way and try not to lose hope.