How can I deal with not being able to help with other people's problems whom I care about? (lemmy.world)

submitted 10 months ago by dingus@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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Hi all. Apologies if this isn't the right community for this type of question. Just let me know and I'll remove it.

Recently I've been struggling a bit. There are a few people in my life right know who I care deeply about. They are going through some very rough times right now. (Ex: money issues, sick relatives, etc.)

I am very frustrated because I hear about what's going on all the time and I am powerless to do anything to help. The advice I've had in the past is "just be a friend and be there for them," but there is only so far I am mentally and even physically able to go with that. All I want to do is to fix it and make it better for them but I can't.

And it's been making me go a bit crazy tbh. It's pretty narcissistic of me to be reacting this way, but I can't help it. I don't tell these people that I am stressed out because of them and I don't tell them that it is affecting me in any way. It's such an asshole move for me to be feeling this way but I just don't know how to get out of it.

I try to be nice and friendly all the time, but it's killing me. I just want to be able to help but I can't. I'm completely and totally powerless.

Surely there are those of you out there who care about others and have run into this issue before. What the actual fuck am I supposed to do? "Just be a friend" doesn't help my mental state or do anything for any of the issues that any of us have.

Thanks all.

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[-] cygnosis@lemmy.world 4 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

First of all it's completely understandable for you to feel frustrated and stressed in a situation like this. You really don't have the power to fix other people's problems. Have you ever been to a therapist? The one constant among good therapists is that they don't give you advice. They don't tell you what to do. And they don't try to fix the problems in your life. But they do end up helping you. So what do they know that the rest of us don't? They know that the best way to help someone is to listen supportively, to validate their feelings, and to give them a chance to think about their life while leaning on the emotional support of someone who cares about them. There's more but that's a good start. And if you can do that you really are helping a lot more than you think.

Take as an example, a conversation I had with my wife today (remembered as well as I can). She was in a really bad mood and wasn't talking with me.
I asked her "what's got you feeling down today?"
She angrily said she didn't want to talk with me about it because she knew what I would say and she didn't want to hear it.
(That, by the way, is a pretty clear hint that someone is not in present time emotionally.)
I said "so you're saying I'm never supportive of you when you're upset?"
She said "I'm feeling overworked and stressed. There's always too much to do. And I know you are just going to say you also have too much to do."
I said "I did say 'I feel the same way' once when you said you could use a day off. But that doesn't mean I can't appreciate that you're overworked. I understand. There's a lot going on right now and it's hard to keep up."
She continued talking about how she felt. I continued validating her feelings. And she cheered up and her mood improved.

My point is, "just being there" is code for listening supportively, validating someone's feelings, and helping them regain the balance they need to address their problems themselves.

Edit: to be clear, I'm no saint. Sometimes I'm the grumpy one and my wife is the paitent one. It works both ways.

[-] dingus@lemmy.world 2 points 10 months ago

I went to one therapy session once and got a bill of like $200 after insurance for the one session. I have no clue how people afford to do that on a regular basis. People scoff at things like Better Help, but it seems like it's probably the only affordable option if your insurance isn't great.

My point is, “just being there” is code for listening supportively, validating someone’s feelings, and helping them regain the balance they need to address their problems themselves.

I do try this, but I only seem to have so much stamina for it. I can't stand seeing them in pain, and I seem to have run out of ability to be there. Because it hurts too much to see them in pain like that. So I don't know where to go from here.

[-] elephantium@lemmy.world 2 points 10 months ago

It depends on the insurance plan. My current plan covers therapy 100%, no copay.

The plan before this, I think it was a $50 copay. Not too bad in this context.

The plan before that, IIRC, was "LOL talk to us after you've hit your deductible" :(

OTOH...my therapist doesn't even charge $200 to begin with. That def helps in my case.

this post was submitted on 28 Sep 2023

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