So for those of you unaware, last night someone claiming to be a long-time poster confessed to being in a sexual + romantic relationship with what turned out to be a minor 15 years his junior. (Here is the post for additional context.) Several people - myself included - failed to immediately condemn the relationship and in fact sympathized with OP and put blame on the kid for lying to and manipulating OP (who claimed to be unaware of the kid's actual age until the cops told him), completely ignoring the fact that a 15-year-old cannot consent to such a relationship. Even if he jumps through a bunch of hoops to illegally get into a kink space and fabricates an of-majority-age persona in order to get with a much older man. In my own case, I believe that my own perception of the situation - not helped by OP's way of telling the story - was warped such that the sexual side of the relationship was sidelined in favor of the more emotional side, as well as having an incorrect perception of consent as it pertains to teenagers going in. Either way, I admit that my gut reaction was wrong both legally and probably morally, and that I clearly have much to learn about consent and sexual laws and norms (from harassment to rape.)
My recommendation to the mod team would be to permaban all people whose first reaction was to side with OP (yes, including me), and have a stern discussion with the site about the gravity and absoluteness of consent, especially with respect to children and teenagers (to cover the rest of your asses.) Advice on further steps to be taken would also be appreciated.
Shout-out to u/BeamBrain for shaming me and setting me straight. I hope the few others who sided with OP have also come to realize the error of their ways.
The point was made that OP should have confirmed the kid's identity before starting anything, especially given the age difference that was presented (i.e. even a "19-year-old" looking into a 31-year-old is... weird.) Also, OP gravitating towards the youngest member is a bit sus no matter how you look at it.
And in fact, my original opinion was that the kid shouldn't have lied and misled OP, and that OP's character was solid enough because they claimed to feel extremely icky and guilty once they learned the truth. In a case involving sex with a minor, however, that isn't enough.
I would lump this under "common sense" type things, but, I guess I can say how I've avoided any such situations (when I was younger, early-mid 20s, as a mid 30s guy now this isn't a concern).
If you're chatting with someone who is a minor it's almost painfully obvious within a few minutes. I've had coworkers in the past who were (apparently) 16 when I was like whatever 23 or something. Just chatting with this girl in a normal way at work about work type stuff and she mentions something about school. I figured she meant college. Later on she says her dad has to come pick her up. Seemed somewhat uncommon for a like 19 year old to get picked up by her dad so I just asked "your dad? Why?" And she said something along the lines of "oh, I don't have my license yet." So I'm like "...oh... so you're in high school then?" The answer was yes, and I just made a mental note then, you know... there can be nothing there besides coworkers working. And that was that.
The story is incredibly awkward to tell in this context of all this shit in here, I guess, but it wasn't awkward at all in the moment. I gathered relevant information in a "normal person" type of way (as opposed to "let me see your ID right now!") and moved on. But if there's any reasonable amount of doubt in your mind... yeah, just make sure they're of age. I can't imagine someone who wants to have sex (or whatever- it doesn't have to be sex. Any romantic contact is inappropriate here) suddenly being turned off and repulsed by the suggestion that they look really young and you don't want to do anything immoral (or illegal). If you simply ask "are you over 18?" and they lie to you, like sure, I get it. But it's ultimately on you as the adult in the situation to make sure you aren't harming a child. That's the law and it also happens to line up with morality in this case. If they won't in some way prove their age... don't do it, I guess? I feel like a Republican like "just say no!" but for real. Don't do dumb shit. These situations can and do come up in real life. People, the young adults mostly, have a burden to be responsible for their actions. Again, sounding like a Republican here, but for real, I'm not going to accept that someone who was lied to by a kid and "didn't know" is really the victim in this whole thing. I understand the argument, I see their POV, and I just don't accept it.