Edit
After reading all the responses below and receiving much helpful advice, I reflected on my hesitance of getting medical help. I realized I didn't want to feel like I "gave up". I come from a poor family of immigrants and my parents sacrificed a lot for me to have an opportunity, so when I'm discussing these mental problems I face with loved ones, there's always a suggestive undertone of being unappreciative(remember your parents slaved away doing manual labor jobs so you could complain about your comfy, well paid office job)
I now realize my own happiness/fulfillment is my responsibility, public opinion be damned. Thank you all. I will seek help ASAP
Double edit
I'm on strattera(atomoxetine) now. It's helped me focus my thoughts a lot more.
Original:
Not sure if this is typical or not but it perplexes me to no end. I've always struggled with remembering things, decision paralysis, bad sleeping patterns, interpersonal relationships(appearing distant), mood swings of joy and apathy(high peaks and low valleys), addictive personality traits(coffee/nicotine/alcohol). But on a good day I can do the work of a whole team. I've often spearheaded entire projects solo from concept to design to implementation. Despite a very rough start in my early adult life and after getting tired from most jobs for petty things like disagreements or tardiness, I've been solid for about 7 years. I've learned to communicate effectively without getting emotional, how to manage relationships, how to work around the difficulties of my ADHD, I've turned my skills into a well paying career and can politic with the best of them. My son was diagnosed and I never was because Hispanics don't believe in ADHD("everyone has those problems, you just need to manage xyz better")
I've tried to explain my patterns to loved ones in hopes of feeling understood but even those closest to me say it's all mental. I feel like no one understands. I've been called brilliant/highly intelligent many times but have been told I need to apply myself. I feel like it's both a strength and a weakness.
Anyways, I have health coverage now and am scared of prescription medicines. Not sure if I should just keep braving on towards my future without getting some sense of closure. I believe my father is also on the spectrum because he has always embodied all the symptoms (irregular sleep, obsession with pet projects, irregular moods, difficulty managing relationships/being empathetic/sympathetic, etc).
I hate being told that I'm not trying hard enough when it feels like I need to keep double the pace of everyone else just to be on par. Should I start allowing myself to be disagreeable? Maybe call bs what it is and not dance around it so much? Should I seek treatment? Should I keep quiet and bite down on the rag?
Sorry for the rant. No one seems to understand.
Quick note about trying meds: Try non-stimulants first. There's a handful of different ones, and sometimes doc's don't even tell you they're an option. ~~They're not scary at all, the worst thing that could happen is they don't work for you.~~ You won't risk addiction and generally they're more mild in all effects. You can always start with low dosages. Once you setup a routine with stimulants though it's very hard to go back.
While everyone reacts to medications differently, there is actually one that I know from experience that you have to be a bit careful with. Intuniv, (generic: guanfacine) first developed for lowering high blood pressure, is often used as a non-stimulant.
Taking it for a couple of weeks tanked my BP to about 100/56, causing me to be a bit woozy and drunk-like. (not good for a tech working with HV or carrying around $10k+ test instruments) I eventually had stop it when I almost blacked out at work walking between desks and had to brace myself for a minute or two.
For any med, talk with your doctor and ask about the side-effects or contraindications. Don't let them skip/rush through these. You always want to be aware if a drug is causing something potentially dangerous and you may also know something important that was missed when they took your history
ETA: I would still advise to try out non-stims first, as they are easier to get filled (no shortages) and can be less strain on your heart. Just be careful and keep you doctor in the loop with anything that seems odd
That's a good point, I edited my comment since it was too broad. Thanks for the input!