I find the difference between how (many) autistic people treat friendship vs the way (many) NT people treat friendship quiet disturbing on the NT end. (hexbear.net)

submitted 7 months ago by autismdragon@hexbear.net to c/neurodiverse@hexbear.net

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So I found out a guy who we used to mutually call each other best friend is having a baby. Its been a LONG time since we talked regularly. We still live in reasonable distance from each other, but far enough that its difficult to connect. And also Ive been depressed and not socially active irl for a good 8 years now lol. My only good irl friend friend dumped me a year ago over a stupid misunderstanding. But i had no friendship ending drama with this other friend.

Anyway, I was like "hey itd be nice to be part of your kid's life". Thing is, Im very good with kids, and thats like a core part of who I am as a person, but something my irl friends have repeatedly shown that they do not understand about me lol. (that other irl friend friend dumping me's reasoning for doing it included a very fundemental misunderstanding of that for example).

Anyway, my friend there said "idk its been so long since we've talked, maybe eventually" and I was taken aback a bit. I mean, on one level I get it. The mother of his kid doesnt even know me so thats a big reason for that. But like...

OK, studies show that autistic people do NOT do the whole "friendship degrading with noncommunication" thing. Something I always found weird in the Sims is how friendships degrade when you dont talk to them frequently (unless you max them out lol). Stardew does the same thing I think? And besides finding that annoying just from a gameplay perspective, I also didnt get it because like... wait is that how people think? Because i DONT. I dont really lose feelings of affection or freindship from noncommunication alone. Someone needs to DO something to me for me to change my opinion of them. And like, me and this friend have had our drama lol. He's a bit of a narcissist, not a "cant safely be friends with him" kind of narcissist but a "friendship with him will have toxic moments" type. And he mistreated an ex pretty bad, but that ex is still friends with him so I won't impose victimhood on her. (Our mutual ex is another story there, I really need to reconnect with her someday, but I always was very confused who was the perpetrator of mistreatment in that relationship because they both seemed pretty toxic, but anyway). But like. NONE of that is 'Wow you are NOT my friend anymore" stuff. Just stuff to be aware of and work around for me. Idk.

These are not coherent thoughts completrly but I like that I can dump them here from time to time.

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[-] SerLava@hexbear.net 39 points 7 months ago

When two people don't have any contact, it's not their opinion of each other that's slowly diminishing, it's more like their need for the other person, as well as their familiarity with each other. Reconnecting goes from very easy to somewhat hard. Conversations about life start to need more background info.

The relationship just moves down the scale from friends toward strangers, even if just slightly.

[-] sappho@hexbear.net 31 points 7 months ago

Yeah, this is an important point. People change, especially over a time span like eight years. You aren't just picking up where you left off. You are meeting new versions of each other.

[-] autismdragon@hexbear.net 13 points 7 months ago

I guess thats part of my confusion or whats doesnt click for me. I havent really fundementally changed in the last 8 years really lol? My core values are the same at least. And the things that have happened in that time are just trivia. Idk. I just relate to this subject differently.

[-] PointAndClique@hexbear.net 23 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago)

Please let me know if this is reductive or off base, but I kinda see it as picking up a novel that you've set aside for a while. Your feelings towards the novel haven't changed, but you can't exactly just jump right back in where you left off. You may read a synopsis, or re-read a few earlier chapters, and then get back into it.

Kinda same with friendships? If a friend hit me up after ages I'm 100% cool to catch up with them, but I may like say "Hey it's been ages, wanna catch up for a beer/coffee? Get me up to speed with what's happening?".

I have NT friends who behave like the friendship degradation is real and I'm talking like, if you don't face-to-face catchup monthly then you're a stranger, and honestly that's exhausting, but at the same time I also accept that longer periods (years) can benefit from a bit of palaver before some people feel comfortable with feeling that you're still the same person they used to know and/or are cool with the person you are now.

[-] autismdragon@hexbear.net 12 points 7 months ago

Not reductive, totally makes sense.

[-] SerLava@hexbear.net 8 points 7 months ago

Lol just realized 8 years is like, the timeline of this video I made (IN 2023 BY THE WAY NOT 2024)

[-] Dirt_Owl@hexbear.net 33 points 7 months ago

Yeah this has cost me friendships in the past because I can go for ages without contacting someone, even if I really care about them.

I find communication tiring.

And before you say "but Dirt_Owl you never shut up here." It's different in a forum because I don't have to think on the fly, I can take my time. Therefore it's not as tiring to me.

[-] peppersky@hexbear.net 28 points 7 months ago

People who have kids also have notoriously little time even for "active" friendships so I would try not to read too much into it.

[-] Lemvi 23 points 7 months ago

I think I can kinda understand where your friend is coming from. I don't know how long y'all haven't talked, but if a friend I haven't seen in a decade suddenly decided to become part of my life as soon as I had a child, I'd think that's mighty sus.

[-] autismdragon@hexbear.net 10 points 7 months ago

Yeah I didnt think about how that part of it came off really mostly becaues I didnt think of our friendship of having decayed like i said. But I do see it from that angle now.

[-] sovietknuckles@hexbear.net 12 points 7 months ago

He's a bit of a narcissist, not a "cant safely be friends with him" kind of narcissist but a "friendship with him will have toxic moments" type.

My friendships with non-autistic narcissists seem to have been based on quid pro quos. Given that, it's logical that the value of a given friendship with a non-autistic narcissist would decrease over time, if not actively maintained.

My friendships with autistic narcissists have not degraded with non-communication.

[-] ElChapoDeChapo@hexbear.net 6 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago)

God I hate how much I relate to this, feels like I've ruined most of my friendships by not keeping in touch

Edit: sorry if that came off harsh or something, I just felt the pain thinking about it meow-hug solidarity comrade

this post was submitted on 21 Apr 2024

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