Crows

Start feeding them and grow your crow army!

Feed them at a regular point in the day and in the same area. Wear the same distinctive and non-threatening thing each time (they have lupine intelligence, so it doesn't have to be a whole outfit matched each day). Talk to them in a conversational tone, with mild upnotes and soothing meter when they exhibit behavior you appreciate. Eventually, sit or rest your center of gravity lower, and be calm. Eventually, they'll congregate near your house and your whole place'll be cemented in corvid shit. Win! 😜

(source: my dad befriended a crow in his teens and has all sorts of stories from those years, but my grandparents weren't so happy about the faithful attention of the massive flock after he left for college, ha!)

It's in your head yo

idk. Maybe you did one of them a kindness once, even if you didn’t realize it or don’t remember it. Or maybe you’re shiny.